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Advice for the Queer Lovelorn
We at AskEssex extend our deepest condolences to the families and friends of those lost in
the horrible act of war and terrorism committed against the U.S. on September 11, 2001.
Essex knows a lot about queer love and sex. If you have a question that you're too embarrassed to ask out loud, just AskEssex. Essex is sure to tell it like it is. Contact Us - Send your questions to AskEssex.
Sex Problems and How to Solve Them!
 Dear Essex,
I'm a 20-year-old male and have been dating for nearly 1 year and 4 months now. Me and my girlfriend are/were both virgins, and whenever we tried making love she got hurt too much. However, up until recently her problem was solved (numerous fingering sessions). Now I have a problem, whenever we attempt making love, I "cum" way too quick, I hardly have proper intercourse and already I cum. I've tried keeping my mind on another topic while trying and practice holding it longer while masturbating. I don't know what's up with me, not only am I embarrassed but I'm not satisfying my partner. I'm scared she'll go elsewhere to satisfy her needs. I know she loves me and tries to understand but a women has needs, and needs need to be fulfilled. In other words how can I ensure myself on making love for the first time without spoiling the moment and enjoying the pleasures everyone makes a big fuss about?
-- Quick
Follow-up From Quick:
I wrote to you last week concerning `cumming quick' and I'd just like to thank you for the advice. It was the first time I approached someone about my problem and I must admit, at first I was skeptical about raising the question via the net, but your quick and EFFECTIVE response certainly made it comfortable for me to approach you on any of my sexual matters again. The advice on fingering with the fingers bent upwards towards the belly - the "BOMB". We made love and I think we were fairly satisfied compared to all the other attempts. However, a lot of work and patience is still required. I know I have so much more pleasure to offer her (after masturbating, my penis didn't reach its full potential). I guess if there's one thing I should be grateful for is it would have to be the fact that I'm in a relationship with the world's most open-minded, understanding, trusted and LOVABLE women I have and ever will come across. Thank you Essex, I'll be in touch. P.S. If you have any more tips on foreplay/arousal techniques which could assist me (make me a better lover) you know where to find me.
 Dear Quick,
Your problem is very common, especially among young men. There are three things that I recommend to ensure that your woman is satisfied. First, when you know you will be having intercourse, be sure to masturbate before hand. This may make it easier to last longer during the act. Second, there are products/lotions that desensitize the penis so that you are not so stimulated during intercourse that you climax quickly. And last, your penis is not the key to pleasuring your woman. Actually, your girlfriend can derive more pleasure from a combination of digital penetration and oral sex. Specifically, penetration with 2 fingers curved upward (toward her belly) and light rhythmic stroking of her clitoris with your tongue may help her reach heights that you both can be proud of. Most importantly, remember the golden rule. Satisfy your woman before you satisfy yourself. It sounds like you are making efforts to improve your sex life. The initial effort is the first and biggest step toward achieving your goals. Good luck!
-- Essex
Follow-up From Essex
Dear Quick,
I'm so happy to hear that things are going well for you! For sex tips that might be helpful to you, may I recommend a book for straight men on pleasing a woman written by a lesbian. If you visit the ASK ESSEX site again, click on "Helpful Books" and then scroll down to sex books. You'll find it there. Good luck and remember ... practice makes perfect. :-)
Dear Essex,
I need help. I am with a girl who I love very much. Sex is wonderful, for me anyway. She seems to not like it, though. She always initiates it but doesn't seem to want to be touched when I try to return the favor. I feel like I am letting her down. Although it doesn't seem to be a problem for her, it is really taking a toll on me. I want her to enjoy our sexual experience as much as I do. She talked a little about it once when she had been drinking and said she has never enjoyed sex with anyone. I am also her first girlfriend, but she said she has thought about other girls but just never found one for her. Can you give me any advice on what I can do different?
-- Desperate For Help
Dear Desperate,
From the situation you have described, it appears that there is very little you can do differently. One's enjoyment of "sex" generally has to do with one's comfort level with their own body. One's partner has little to do with one's ability to receive sexual pleasure. Oftentimes survivors of sexual abuse find it difficult to receive sexual pleasure. So the best thing you can do is to encourage her to talk to you about why she isn't interested in reciprocation. You could speculate forever, but it is more efficient to ask. However, if she isn't ready to look deeply at the issue, this may cause some bumps in your relationship. Good luck coming to a satisfying resolution.
-- Essex
Dear Essex,
I'm a 19-year-old female. I have had sex with three different guys. I have never had an orgasm. Is this normal or is something wrong with me? What can I do to make it happen????
-- In Need
Dear In Need,
If you are unable to have an orgasm, there may be something wrong with your partners, not necessarily something wrong with you. They may not know what they need to do for you. This is the real issue ... have you ever had an orgasm on your own? You are not going to be able to tell a guy what to do until you know your own body. Try stimulating your clitoris until you have an orgasm so that you will know what you like and can tell him what he needs to do. Also, it is very difficult for a woman to have an orgasm from penetration alone. There must be clitoral stimulation in most cases.
Check out the "Joy of Sex:" books for tips. If you cannot find a copy, just work with yourself until you find out what you like and what works for you. You must learn about your body and how it works and then you can begin to enjoy it. It's like trial and error, but it's a lot of fun. Also, if digital (with your fingers) stimulation doesn't do it, try a vibrator. You can find one at your local drug store. They are advertised as massagers for the back. I recommend the Windmere or something like that. Good luck! Also, always use condoms when you have sex with your boyfriend or any other man.
-- Essex
Dear Essex,
Okay I'll try and keep this brief. Me and my girlfriend have recently tried anal sex which rocked big time for the 30 seconds it lasted. Reason it lasted so little time was that she said it was cool but made her need the toilet and didn't fancy getting me in a right mess.
I want to try it again but it doesn't last for long enough because of this, anything that can be done? Like will she ever get used to it enough for it to last longer or am I destined forever to have 20 seconds of mega-coolness?
-- Mr. Cool
Dear Mr. Cool,
Whether your girlfriend gets used to anal sex will be determined by her. People are all different and what works for others may not work for her. Keep trying it and make sure she is relaxed and comfortable. Also, know that the anal region was not made to be penetrated and is very delicate. Use a condom and lots of lubricant. Also, you may want to try different positions until you find one that maximizes her comfort. She should also use the bathroom before you engage in anal sex. Hope this helps. Enjoy and always play safe!
-- Essex
Dear Essex,
My girlfriend and I have not had sex yet but we do mess around. About 3 months ago she got a small yeast infection and since then she has this constant irritation in her vagina. It is not a burning sensation but an itching sensation. What can this be and how can we fix with?
-- Irritation
Dear Irritation,
Your girlfriend's condition can have a wide variety of causes. Whenever you or your partner experiences any type of physical discomfort, you must visit a health care professional. The longer you wait before seeing a doctor, the worse the condition can become. Good luck.
-- Essex
Dear Essex,
I am a 16-year-old female. Ok, here's my question. I have had sexual feelings for girls for a long time. I figured they were just normal. Because people say it's normal to be curious... well, the problem is that I've found a girl. We both like each other. We both want to have sex, even though I'm a virgin. The problem is, I don't know what all to do with a girl. I need some help... some pointers... some tips... anything. I don't know exactly what to do with another girl. It's all new to me. Please, any tips you can give, send them immediately!
-- Horny in High School
Dear Horny,
Ah, to be young and inexperienced! This is a wonderful and exciting time for you. So, down to the nitty-gritty. There is very little difference between being sexual with a girl and being sexual with a boy. So, try not to get too hung up and nervous about that. I would start with kissing and exploration. Let your fingers do the walking and really get to know your partner's body. Because you guys are so young, it's a great time to explore your sexuality together. But you can only learn about your likes and dislikes by trying different things. You have to communicate with your friend. For example, when you are fooling around, ask her things like "do you like it when I touch you there, like this, etc.?" The most important thing to figure out is what pleases you, where and how you like to be touched. Chances are, she'll like some of the same things. Good luck, and have fun exploring!
-- Essex
Dear Essex,
I am 16 and in a strong relationship with my boyfriend I am a virgin but soon I am going to have sex with my boyfriend (something I definitely want to do). Could you give me details on how to ease the pain of my first time!!!! Also my friends were saying that I have to make sure I've been to the toilet (for a number 2) beforehand - is this true?
-- First Time
Dear First Time,
The pain associated with the first time often depends on the size of your boyfriend's penis. First and foremost, be sure to have a water-based lubricant like K-Y or Wet. These can be purchased at your local drugstore, usually near the condoms. Which brings me to my next point. Be sure to have lubricated condoms. That is essential. As for using the bathroom, it is probably a good idea to go at some point before the experience, if you feel there's something there. But, you don't have to force yourself to go immediately beforehand if you don't feel the need.
To make the first time easier, ask your boyfriend to start with some lubricated fingers first. Good luck!
-- Essex
Dear Essex,
I'm a French 22-year-old gay boy who has a problem. This problem doesn't directly concern my sexual orientation. The problem is that I don't masturbate like other boy. In order to have an ejaculation, I must lie on the stomach, and put my hands on my sex which is not in erection. Then I move on my sex and I can ejaculate. Am I normal ? I am afraid to talk about this. Thanks to help me.
NB: Sorry for my approximate English
-- French Guy
Dear French Guy,
There is no reason to be afraid to talk about this issue. Everyone has a different body, different sexual techniques and unique ways of self-pleasuring. Although your form of masturbation may not be as typical as other forms of masturbation, the most important thing is that you derive pleasure from it. If you feel you have a medical problem or can't get an erection, then definitely see your doctor. Never let embarrassment prevent you from seeking medical attention.
Good luck. And don't worry about your English. Je pense que j'ai deja oublie tous le Francais que j'appris au lycee! You're English is much better than my French!
-- Essex
Dear Essex,
As I am a virgin with men, does it hurt if you are receiving penetration? I've heard it does.
Secondly, is kissing a man done differently because I have had a lot of experience with girls but little with men? And what is the risk of catching something like glandular fever because a mate and my cousin got it and it was not nice.
I hope you can help me thanks.
-- Virgin
Dear Virgin,
From what I have heard from men and women alike, anal sex the first time is very painful. My advice is to use a water-based lubricant (like KY, which can be found at your local drug store or Wet) and also use a condom. The tissues there are very thin and sensitive and tear easily, making the spread of STD very easy. As far as I know, kissing is kissing, whether it's with a man or woman. My advice is to try it and if someone doesn't seem to be enjoying it, find out what that person likes and proceed from there. Good luck and please play safe!
-- Essex
Dear Essex,
I had dry sex with my boyfriend. My undies were wet. I don't know about him. Do you think I could get pregnant? I'm scared.
-- Scared Silly
Dear Scared Silly,
In my opinion, you have very little to worry about. If the penis is not inserted into the vagina, then the risk of pregnancy is very remote. However, before you continue your sexual exploration with him, perhaps you and he can educate yourselves about the risks of intercourse and oral sex. If you're mature enough to fool around, you should be mature enough to become informed.
If you can't talk to your parents about sex, try the school nurse, your doctor, or planned parenthood. There is a lot of information you should know about sex before you do it. And remember, no matter what any guy says, it's better to be safe than sorry. Good luck, and stay strong!
-- Essex!
Dear Essex,
What does an orgasm feel like? And when masturbate I never get any pleasure out of it. What's up with that? How do I find my G spot????
-- Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
Your question is a very common one, so here is my advice in a nutshell. An orgasm is a very intense buildup and release and can come in two forms: a clitoral orgasm and a vaginal orgasm. If you are trying to have one, may a recommend you try for the clitoral variety. First, it is very important to think of something that turns you on. Next, go out and buy yourself a little vibrator either from a sex shop or a small "massager" from the drugstore or a "Relax the Back" type store. Vibration is the easiest way to achieve orgasm when the vibrator is placed on the clitoris, however, you can also try the old fashioned way ... fingers circling over the clitoris. As for the G-Spot, it can be found by inserting fingers into the vagina and curving them upward toward the belly. If you or your partner move them in a "come here" type motion, you are likely to find the G-Spot.
If you have technical questions, check out the web site www.the-clitoris.com. Good luck!
-- Essex
Dear Essex,
How exactly do I give a guy head besides the hole sucking the penis part? Thanks for your time.
-- Curious
Dear Curious,
Thank you for writing to Ask Essex. The art of fellatio is thoroughly taught on the following web site:
http://www.psychedelic.com/sex/fellatio.html
Read and enjoy. And remember that practice makes perfect.
-- Essex
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