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Title: Philosophy/Humor - Philosophical Clerihews By Dean Zimmerman.
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Philosophical Clerihews Philosophical ClerihewsBy Dean ZimmermanI've wasted an inordinate amount of time on the lowestverse form in existence, the Clerihew. Here's the cream or the dregs, dependingon how you look at it.The first one ever written (1890, by the 16-year-old E.Clerihew Bentley) went like this:Sir Humphry Davy Detested gravy. He lived in the odium Of having discovered Sodium.Here's a really good one by Maurice Hare:Alfred de Musset Used to call his cat Pusset. His accent was affected. That was to be expected.The Poet's Manual and Rhyming Dictionary of FrancesStillman defines the clerihew as "a humorous pseudo-biographical quatrain,rhymed as two couplets, with lines of uneven length more or less in therhythm of prose. It is short and pithy, and often contains or implies amoral reflection of some kind. The name of the individual who is the subjectof the quatrain usually supplies the first line."Bentley himself wrote a few on philosophers. W. H. Audenhas a book of clerihews with ones on Kierkegaard, Hegel, and a couple ofothers. Paul Horgan's book of clerihews has a few as well. By and largethe ones on philosophers aren't very good. The best I know of are these:Desiderius Erasmus Suffered from one of the rare asthmas. His worst wheezes Were caused by over-ripe cheeses.(Paul Horgan)John Stuart Mill, By a mighty effort of will, Overcame his natural bonhomie And wrote Principles of Political Economy**-`With some of their Applications to Social Philosophy'.It was a weakness of Voltaire's To forget to say his prayers, And one which to his shame He never overcame.Sir James Jeans Always says what he means; He is really perfectly serious About the Universe being Mysterious.(all by Bentley)But the largest batch of philosophical clerihews follows...Philosophical Clerihewsby Dean W. Zimmerman This form was evidentlyinvented by E. Clerihew Bentley.He did nothing else well,but what the hell?Moses Maimonideswrote vast quantitiesand stood for amityin an age of Kalamity.G. E. Moorewas a bit of a bore;more an old fossilthan a Cambridge Apostle.By ghosts, C.D. Broadwas not generally overawed;but he looked a trifle haggardafter his Examination of McTaggart.Fearing Wittgenstein was blotto,Popper adopted the motto:"I will not argue with a jokerwho's brandishing a red-hot poker.""Peter Geach!" said God,"would it not be slipshodwere I to raise not the authenticalyou, but someone relatively identical?"Roderick Chisholmwas never accused of asceticismby Roderick Firth,who was equally down-to-earth.Nicholas Rescheris under no pressureto write another book;but look!Edwin B. Allaireprefers particulars bare;he doesn't find them rudein the nude.Jaegwon Kim,writing poetry under a psuedonym,met with considerable inconveniencein rhyming "supervenience"."I sneezed", explained Al Plantinga,"as I scaled the rockface, barely panting. 'Ge-sundheit!' said a voice; but not God's, inasmuchas that's German not Dutch."If your battery's dead, don't ask Bradleyto give you a jump. He'll say: "Gladly,I have jumper cables; but need another item:a cable to connect the cables" and so ad infinitum.The British railroadwas the ruin of C.E.M. Joad.Back then it wasn't cricketto be caught without a ticket.Jose Benardetecooks large batches of spaghetti.His noodles make you fullwhen you've eaten Aleph-null.Alfred Freddosothinks his own work's just so-so;he'd never go so far asto compare it to Suarez's.Sydney's David MaletArmstrong had little palatefor Marxism;and that'll spark schism.Derek Parfitwouldn't wear a scarf. Itmade him more boldto think someone else would catch cold.G. H. von Wrightis not very strict.He remains politewhen called "von Wright".Here's a moral pilferedfrom WilfridSellars: Have enough to drinkand all ice cubes look pink.Wilfrid Sellarsabhorred poor spellers;they made his blood congealand gave him a raw feel.When he was younger,the ignorance of Peter Ungerwas vast;but it didn't last.A handy acronyminvented by Colin McGinnexplains whyphilosophers shouldn't even try.There's no disputin'that Grigori Rasputinhad more will to powerthan Schopenhauer.Susan K. Langerliked instruments that twang. HerPhilosophy in a New Keywas dedicated to Paul Stookey.Unfortunately, Thalesnever tried Bailey's.It's smoother than water, so better suitedto be that of which all is constituted.The metaphysics of Ernie Sosahas little in common with that of Spinoza,except for this: both claim to showall things are like a ball of snow.Although it hurt Curt Ducasseto be kicked in the ass,he was filled with elationat the observability of the causal relation.Escaping at night from the embalmer's,The zombies sought help from Dave Chalmers.Though their speech was mere echolalia,He knew what they wanted: dancing qualia.With parenthetical suggestions for cartoons:(Gritting his teeth, fingers twitching)Stephen Stichwouldn't scratch an itch:one mustn't accept the ontologyof common sense psychology.(Picture of a bat with Nagel's face, putting wing over face in vampirefashion to avoid looking at a bust of Hegel)Don't ask Thomas Nagelto study Hegel;he'd rather be a batthan do that.(Dancing waltzily while sensing redly)Michael Tye,while just a young guy,had an enthusiasm for the adverbialthat was proverbial.(In Saturday Night Fever outfit at a disco, opening letter and lookingdepressed)In youth, Fregecould really shake a leg. Acorrespondence with Russellleft him unable to do The Hustle.And here are some by Brian Leftow:Who better to get my first clerihewThan Yale's new chair, Robert MerrihewAdams? His job is one to admire. He Should hire me.Goodman trades classesfor all possible scattered masses:No matter where the parts are from,they are many, ergo sum.Hobbes has no abstractaJust entia tacta-what isn't in chunksflunks."To be or not to be?"Said Parfit, "totallyredundant. Hamlet pushed the issue way too far.What matters isn't B, but R."That AlvinRhymes with CalvinIs, in my estimation,Proof of predestination.Quine and Cartwright point with gleeto the 1992 Times, where weread that Mr. Bobbittwas for awhile a scattered object.Richard RortyWrote philosophy till forty.Then midlife crisis hitAnd he quit to write... pragmatism.If reference is inscrutableAnd ostension mutableThere's just no knowingwhere Quine is going.When reading David LewisOne can't say what the thing to do is-Gape? Guffaw? Collapse and fall?Elsewhere some counterpart does them all.G.W.F. HegelIs less nutritious than a bagel.A bagel has just one hole in the dough-Hegel's all holes, wherever you go.Antony FlewWouldn't be caught dead in a pew.A wiser headWould worry that some day he'll be caught dead.According to W.V. QuineAny ontology's fineAnd that's why IThink he's a heckgavagai.According to John Stuart Mill,Better check whether 2+2 stillMake four. They did today,But as for tomorrow - who can say?Nietzsche thought that all eventsRepeat themselves- which makes no sense.Nietzsche thought that all eventsRepeat themselves- which makes no sense. One more by Tom Kirby-Smith:Ludwig Wittgenstein Hardly ever went out to dine. Be the menu never so abundant, He found "green leafy lettuce salad" tautological and redundant. |
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