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Title: Transgendered/Family and Relationships - TS and Marriage Asserts that the transition of a transgendered should not be the reason to dissolve a marriage, and uses his own marriage as an example. Explores discrimination and fear encountered from others and pr |
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TS and Marriage

TS and Marriage
Many transgendered, both female-to-male and male-to-female, who begin
transition today do so while married. Not surprising. The American society pushes
marriage. And marriage becomes a way to prove to yourself and to those
around you that you are what society dictates you must be.
A couple enters a marriage because they care about the welfare of their
partner. The couple agree to work together in times of health or sickness,
during times of financial plenty or when disaster hits. Should one spouse be
severely injured in an accident, would the other spouse immediately file for
divorce because of such a change in the marriage situation? Very, very few
would.
A transgendered and partner are in the same situation. In the United States,
the transgendered's change of gender, even the sexual reassignment surgery (SRS)
itself, does not alter the status of that marriage contract. When a state issues
a marriage
license, the couple meets the conditions set by that state. Later events, medical or accidental, do not change the conditions for
marriage that the couple met earlier, at the time of issue of the license. Those
later events include SRS. Once a state issues a marriage license, the state steps
back, and it is up to the couple to dissolve their marriage -- why we have
divorce courts -- if desired. If no divorce occurs, the marriage remains active.
The couple remains
married as have many transgendered and their spouses so far. Yet their continues
to be those, even therapists, who believe and the marriage dissolves when SRS
occurs. Not true! There are even those individuals or groups who attempt to force
the spouse into leaving the transgenered and thereby dissolving the marriage in
the only way possible. Divorce!
Unfortunately, many sectors of American society attempt to force
their fears upon the partners in a marriage, attempting to destroy that
marriage, when a married transgendered comes to terms with their true self
and decides to begin transition. Friends, family, co-workers, even clergy, the
very individuals who should be offering support and help to preserve the
marriage, push
their fears onto the couple in an attempt to destroy that marriage. While difficult to withstand, you can withstand those pressures from outside to dissolve your marriage.
Even my spouse, Allison, has experience such pressures from a few family
members and friends. We were even discriminated against
by the clergy of the Episcopal church in dioceses that included Sacramento and
Silicon Valley. These Episcopal clergy refused to acknowledge our
California marriage, instead claiming we were a non-legal, domestic partnership.
I was told by one church rector that the Episcopal church
"had a right to decide which
marriage licenses it would accept." Apparently he had never heard of the
Constitutional separation of church and state, believing instead that the
Episcopal church had some legal right (which it does not) to decide which
marriage licenses, issued by the state, the church will accept.
As my spouse Allison wrote to the spouse of a
transgendered person who had visited
this web site:
In my mind, it is the strength of the underlying relationship that matters...not the public appearance of the persons in it. Yes, there
are times that we are taken for a "lesbian" couple, which we are not. But, on the other hand, would it be so awful if we were? I don't think that
two people who are sharing love and respect for one another should have much to be
embarrassed about, no matter the "sex" of the persons in it...
The transition of a transgendered should not be the reason to dissolve a
marriage. Instead, the couple needs to work together by rational discussion and
planning. If the couple really care about the welfare of each other, then
working together for the welfare of both will only strengthen their marriage.
A
few years ago I met a couple where the transgendered was transitioning and the
spouse was actively supporting an assisting. As he (a female-to-male
transsexual) transitioned, the spouse (a husband) was supportive and assisting
because he (the spouse of the TS) truly cared about the welfare of his spouse (the
transgendered) and
their marriage.
Married TS in the Work Place
A marriage, continued after SRS, even confuses the insurance industry.
However, in two such tests, legal representatives of two businesses had
agreed and upheld the legality of our marriage license. As an employee,
obtaining standard benefits for Allison has confused a couple of my
employers.
One firm listed me as married for federal
and state taxes, yet single for company benefits, stating they wanted to have their benefit committee decide whether
that company should accept our marriage license. Another firm was equally
confused, discussing the validity of our marriage license between upper
management and the company's legal advisors.
What I find interesting
(okay, painful) is neither company was willing to consult with Allison
and me, instead forcing us to "strongly confront"
both of
the companies. The second company has now attempted to drop
Allison as my spouse three times in three years. We have finally had to "strongly
confront" that second company through a discrimination complaint with
the California Department of Fair Employment and Housing. Again, the benefit package was
threatened, while tax withholding (both Federal and state) have never been
questioned.
Allison and I have discovered that unless an employer supports
same-sex benefits for their gay and lesbian employees, those same companies will
attempt to refuse benefits to their transsexual employees, even though those
transsexual employees remain legally married. Be prepared to firmly
assert yourself to retain those benefits.
Post Script
Since Allison and I were married in late 1997 in California, exchanging
custom engraved silver wedding rings, a marriage which
the state's officials assured us was a first for a
transgendered living full-time
-- we have learned several others have followed our lead. We know of
several such
marriages in California. I have also learned of a marriage between a
transgendered individual
living full-time and a woman in Utah.
The Salt Lake Tribune learned of the marriage and wrote an article titled
Transsexual Weds Woman in Legal Union.
to arrive at this page since January 1, 2000.
Copyright © 1999-2005 by Denise L. Moss-Fritch. All rights reserved.
Revised:
25 Jun 2008 17:47:07 -0700.
Copyright © 1997-2008 by Denise L.
Moss-Fritch. All rights reserved.
Revised:
25 Jun 2008 17:47:07 -0700.
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Asserts | that | the | transition | of | a | transgendered | should | not | be | the | reason | to | dissolve | a | marriage, | and | uses | his | own | marriage | as | an | example. | Explores | discrimination | and | fear | encountered | from | others | and | pr |
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TS and Marriage 2008 July
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Asserts that the transition of a transgendered should not be the reason to dissolve a marriage, and uses his own marriage as an example. Explores discrimination and fear encountered from others and pr
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