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Ask Papa
 AskPapa
Got a problem? Isbeing gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender something you're having a hardtime accepting?Mom& Dad having a hard time dealing with your orientation?How'sthe relationship going? Not as well as you would like?Well, I'm here to help!This page will be the gay versionof "Dear Abby."Got a problem and want an outsider'spoint of view?Need to know where to get somereally helpful info?Write me and I'll try tohelp you!Letters sent to ASK PAPA willbe published with responses here regularly.(Sender's e-mail addresskept absolutely confidential)E-Mail can be sent by clickingon the E-Mail Envelope at the bottom of this page.Updated 2/12/98Hit the "Reload" Buttonon your browser if you have visited here recently!To receive notificationwhen this page is updated, enter your e-mail addressIf you have a problemwhich you think needs IMMEDIATE attention or are feelingsuicidal, please get in touch with a therapist or a doctor and don't waitfor a response from me. It's important to get the help you need quickly!On to the letters!Papa  2/12/98 Papasen-sei,I came out to most people in my life in thepast three years and have been dating men for the past six. Muchto my surprise, I have had a gazillion dates in the past few years andhave had several long-term incredible relationships. I was introducedto an incredible man about a year and a half ago and I love everythingabout him...except for his height. He's 3-4 inches shorter than meand I think that I am totally shallow because I cannot get over his, orrather my, height problem. Ihave tried to overcome this problem but Ilove reaching up to kiss a lover, not down. I have only datedand been attracted to men 6'0" and taller in the past. I don't want tolet him slip by but I feel that I should end things now so as to not hurthim in the future. How can I overcome this? Thanks fora great column.Signed,Mentally Vertically Challenged. Challenged,Two words: PLATFORM SHOES!KIDDING!!!Some people have certain criteriafor what they define as hot. Some people can get past their preferenceswhile others just can't seem to.Here you have someone who describeas "incredible." Not a whole lot of "incredible" people cross our pathsand when one does, we need to take notice. It would be a shame if you endedwhat sounds like a good relationship because of his height.One way you may try to get overthis is to focus on the things that you found very attractive about himto begin with. Whether it's his personality, appearance, the size of his,er... um... hands... whatever! Emphasize these good traits in your mind.When you are out and about, consciously try to notice other shorter guyswho are attractive.If you succeed in getting pastthis, GO YOU! If you try your hardest (and I mean try your HARDEST) andjust can't seem to get past this, then you probably need to face the possibilitythat the relationship won't work.Don't make this decision hastily,though. Remember that an "incredible" person deserves your best shot tomake things work.PapaHi..I'm a male, 14, and I don't know how to Frenchkiss.. I'm afraid I'll do it wrong the first time... I know the basicsof it, like using your tongue, but I don't know where to put it, or howto move it around, or where to put your hands, just everything... how doyou French, in details?Thanks a lot!! Ahhhhh... The excitement of your"first kiss!" Not to mention the fear it can bring on!Well, the first thing to do isnot to worry about it so much! Kissing is something that kinda comes naturallyfor most. You will probably find that it does for you as well.Here are some definite don'ts.Don't:#1) eat mass amounts of garlicand onions beforehand.#2) don't bite off his tongue!Nothing spoils the moment more than having to rush to the emergency roomwith a tongue on ice!Actually, different people liketo kiss and be kissed differently. Some people like to think of their tonguesas miners that need to go very deep into a cave to explore what's in it.Others, however, like to think of their tongues as friendly neighbors whojust want to hang out in the entrance to a home for a small visit.If you're not sure which you'dlike or are nervous about what to do your first time, try following yourpartner's lead and do what he does. After awhile, you may want to improvisea little according to how you feel.Now, I'm DEFINITELY NOT tellingyou to go out and suck face with every guy out there with a tongue, however,with time and experience, you'll know what kind of kissing you like.MUAH! A big wet sloppy kiss forya!PapaDearPapa,I've always believed that infidelity is wrong,and especially the plague of gay relationships. Until, however, this pastmonth. My lover of three and a half yearstook up a second job and some weekend classes,in order to improve himself. From an economic standpoint he doesn't reallyneed the extra money, but it's his decision.As a result of this, our sexual life has reallysuffered. My sex drive is enormous and his is rather mellow to begin with,so my unhappiness shines through. We've had conversations about it, andhe has clearly stated that we shouldn't have sex more than once a week,and have even started having it by appointed time and days. We've discussedthe possibility of an open relationship, and so far he's shut the ideadown. What makes matters worse is that I've met someone and we've had acouple of dates, owing to the fact that I have a lot of time alone on myhands.As far as physical intimacy, nothing has happened,but I feel myself falling for this guy. And I'm afraid it may force meto redefine my relationship. I know how you feel about infidelity, butplease give me your broad opinion and maybe a new perspective.Uneasy in Miami Hmmmmm... Why are you uneasy?Does the prospect of betraying your lover of three and a half years andlosing his trust and love by having a lurid roll in the hay make you apprehensive?WELL, IT SHOULD!Just because you have a lot offree time on yer hands doesn't mean you have to go out and start datingguys behind your lover's back! Use that free time for something constructive.Save the Whales! Support gay rights! Take up needlepoint! (I hear it'svery relaxing, by the way). But, hon, don't cheat!Seriously, though, you do havea problem. Not one that can't be rectified by BOTH of you. It takes twoto tango (more, if you're into the "group thing"). Different people havedifferent libidos. But... ONCE A WEEK? AND at a predetermined day and time???Hon, you'll go blind!#1) You need to cease your "dates"with this other man! It's only going to lead to future heartbreak and painfor all involved.#2) If the person you've beenwith for the past several years is indeed your lover (notice the word "love"in lover), than you owe it to him and to yourself to not betray him orthe relationship. Boy, you need to work it!Sometimes, after several yearstogether with the same person, sex can sometimes become somewhat routine.Try arousing his libido. Make love in new places! Try new, um... er...positions! Get away for a weekend to a nice hotel somewhere and have romanticdinners and for dessert, a night of passion. You get the idea... I hope!You do have a problem, in thatsome of your needs that are important to you are not being met. You andhe need to really open the lines of communication and seriously try towork out some sort of compromise if this relationship is going to last.Remember that good communication and fair compromises are some big keysto a successful relationship. But, it has to come from both people involved!By the way, if you do decideto take up a hobby to fill that free time, pick up knitting. I can usea nice hand knitted sweater!Love ya! PapaDearPapa,I'm not sure where to turn anymore. I'm 17,fast approaching 18, & I live in a very conservative, backwaters townin the middle of rural Alberta. I feel that I dare not come out of thecloset, as another gay teen in this town did so & has been beaten &taunted several times. Many already believe me to be gay & are verydistant to me because of it.Thus far I have 'come out' to a couple of myclose friends, who were very accepting & helpful. However, I triedto tell my mother & she has since become more & more distant fromme. I have not tried to tell my father, as he & I already do not getalong, & this would make matters worse.I guess I should get to the point... I am havinga lot of trouble keeping myself in check. I very much want a relationshipw/ another guy my age, & I hate keeping a secret that I do not believeis right to keep. Even my best & wisest friend has pointed out thatI am still not comfortable w/ being gay & honest about it. It hurtsvery much to stay where I am... is there anything I can do, any way toalleviatemy loneliness?-Hopeless Romantic Hey Romeo!I'm assuming by your email addressthat you're from Alberta, Canada.(God, I'm smart! hehe)You've definitely taken a goodfirst step in coming out to close friends. For gay people just startingto come out, a good support network is usually a good idea. There's strengthin numbers!One thing that does concern meis that you are not yet comfortable with your sexual orientation. It hasbeen my observation that gay people who first take the time to be comfortablewith and accept themselves first, before professing to the world theirsexual orientation atop of a large mountain, do much better in coming out.You may want to take it just a bit slower at this point until you are comfortablewith yourself.One way to achieve this is throughexposure. When you start to meet and interact with other gay people, youtend to get more comfortable with yourself. You begin to feel like you're"not the only one."I would suggest trying to finda gay youth group in your area. Most of the time, these are terrific placesfor gay youth to begin their journey down the Yellow Brick Road of Gaydom!Check the "My Cool Links" section of my page and look under both the Canadaand Youth sections.Hang in there Romeo. You're Romeowill be there for ya soon enough!Papa2/11/98DearPapa,I really could use your confidential help. I have not "come out" at all about my sexuality to anyone but the peopleinvolved. You see, I am bisexual and have a very Christian familythat would disown me if they knew the things I've done. I do havea problem and since I have no one to talk to, I could really use some outsideadvice.I met a woman two weeks before I moved 900miles away (she is also bisexual). I have never met someone thatI've felt so comfortable with in such a short amount of time. I feellike I've known her all my life. We spent a lot of time together beforeI left and I let her know how I felt towards her. She returned thosefeelings, saying how easy it is to be with me and around me, and that wassomething she's never experienced before (and this woman is older thanme and has had more experiences than I have.) We didn't talk too much about things beforeI left, i.e., how to leave things, so our conversations on the phonewere a little flirty with each other. I talked about coming downto visit her and some other friends of mine and that's when something happened. She said that I couldn't stay at her house because, well in her words,she'd "break down the door" to her extra room just to be with me. She, just getting out of a relationship about six months earlier, couldnot handle those feelings and then me leaving. So we had a talk onenight and she saidshe didn't want to lose whatever it is wehave. She said she couldn't be anything more than friends right now,so we decided that we would just be friends. I think her feelings for me scare her. Shedoesn't want to get hurt, which I certainly understand, and she's pushingme away because of that. I call on the phone and she's short withme. She called and apologized for being that way and said she washaving a hard time dealing with the other feelings she has for me. I don't want to lose her friendship or thechance of a relationship with her in the future. I don't want herto forget about me. I'm not going to be pining away for her or close outany chance of another relationship if it should come along, but I wantto let her know, as we continue to get to know each other, that I thinkshe is special and that I am interested in her without crossing that "friendship"line again. Is this just a fantasy or what? Whatshould I do? Can we really be friends? Confused 'n the burgh Hey Confused!I'm glad to hear you will notbe closed to another relationship if it were to come along. That's a veryhealthy choice! In fact, it sounds like you have both made some good decisions!She is recuperating from herbreak up and may not be ready at this time to deal with those types offeelings just yet. Sounds like she knows herself and is handling the situationas best she could.You two have a good friendshipgoing and you can continue that. What she needs from you is your patienceand friendship. She needs to go through whatever it is she is going throughto "figure things out."My advice to you would be tocontinue your friendship and be careful to keep an eye on your "love meter"and don't let it go into the red zone just yet! Understand that when sheis able to move on from her feelings about her last relationship she mayor may not want to have a relationship with you. You need to be ready forboth possibilities.Hope this helps you get a littleUN-Confused!Love,PapaHelloPapa,I'm glad I found you today. Last Sunday mylover told me that he can not pretend to be my lover anymore. He said hefeels for me like a brother. But I knew he had a new boyfriend. We hada 9 year relationship. After 1 year he didn't want to have sex with me.It was hard for me but I loved him still and I thought he loved me too.I think he really did. 5 years ago I found out he was fooling around.It hurt me very much. I hoped it was one night stand for him. But it didn'tstop. He kept moving on to other men. As far as I know, he had 5 differentboyfriends. This new one I think he likes very much so I had a feelingI had to leave when I found out. But I didn't want to leave when he hada new boyfriend because I feel like I would be a loser. Being someone without sex was not hard. Butwe had a good life together and happy most time. I tried very hard to makeour life together even though he was fooling around... All those years...did he pretend to be my lover until he found his dream man. And now hethinks he found one so I have to leave?I'm so hurt and cry every night. All thosegood memories I had with him will be trashed because of his new boyfriend?Do I want to see my ex (?) lover still after this? What shall I do?Sincerely,Eddie Eddie,Love, you need to do somethinghere. LEAVE! You sound like a very sweet guy who tried to "look the otherway." Unfortunately, that usually NEVER works and you wind up hurting andempty.This putz is very lucky thatyou stuck by his sorry butt for so long. My question to you is, "Why haveyou stayed with him???" Hon, you need to move on with your life even ifit means he's not in it.As much as you love this man,you need to go your separate ways. You are NOT the loser here, babe. Walkingaway from this person is exactly what you should do to be the winner inthis situation!Answer some questions for me:1) Are you a good person?2) Do you deserve to loveand be loved in return?3) Is a monogamous relationshipimportant to you?4) Does his cheating onyou hurt you?5) Does he know this hurtsyou?If your answers to these questionswere "yes" than you know what you must do. Pack up your self-respect andmove on out and onward to someone who deserves your love!Good luck, PapaHiPapa,I'm 16, still WAY in the closet, and my parentsread the e-mail, so please please please don't respond. If you could justpost, that would be cool.Anyways, I was on WestHollywood Chat abouta month ago, and I met this great guy who lives about an hour away. He left me a number and told me to call in a few minutes, and I did, andI got his roommate, who told me he was sleeping. We had chatted aboutmeeting in person at a nearby park, and I think I could drive there withoutmy parents being suspicious since I'm doing a project there. AndI'm really desperate to meet a man I can be myself with. Who knows I'mgay and likes that. But I get scared when faced with calling him,and I don't like the idea of sneaking behind my parents' backs, and theysay you should never meet in real life. So what should I do?Young 'Un in Houston Hiya Young 'Un!STOP! DO NOT PASS GO! Especiallyat your age, it is a good idea to be careful. How much do you know aboutthis person? Although there are honest and nice people on the Internet,there are also some scary people out there as well.I know you want to "do the gaythang" real fast but slow down... Take your time here. You have your wholelife ahead of you and it will come. I would suggest you get to know thisperson a lot better if you are intent on meeting him. Get to know him onthe phone for awhile more. You may want to ask around and see if anyoneknows him and if he's a good guy and not a crazed ax murderer!If, after all this, you decideto meet him, make sure it is in a busy place where there are many peoplearound for your own protection.Even better than all this wouldbe to find a local gay youth group and get involved! It's a great way tomeet people, just like you! JBe careful Sweety!PapaDearPapa,My best friend and I "experimented" togetherfor the first time in December.We masturbated each other over and over again,after that he stop associating with me. He just cut off all communicationwith me. It was like we weren't evenfriends anymore. I want to know what happened.Did I do something wrong? Ithought that it was all good and I was gladthat I wasn't the only one havingthese feelings. Am I gay? I don't feel gaybecause I have a girlfriend andhave had many girlfriends in the past.Troubled, "D" Hey D!Gotta tell ya... I love the term"experiment" as it's used today! When I was growing up, experimenting meantthat you were in some old boring science class cutting up a frog's innards!(I used surgical gloves, by the way. THESE hands were NOT coming in directcontact with frog guts!)D, this is a VERY common experience.It's called "denial," and as we all know, "De Nile ain't just a river inEgypt!"What you're telling me by usingthe word "experimenting," is that neither you nor your best friend havelabeled yourselves as gay or bisexual. To some, those can be very scarylabels. For some, it is easier to pretend an experience ever happened,than to face it.Your friend sounds like he mayfeel either embarrassed and/or frightened about what happened between thetwo of you. You DID NOT do anything wrong! He is probably not dealing wellwith what he has done. Breaking off communication with you is probablyhis way of not dealing with what happened.Give him a little time to dealwith whatever feelings he's having. After awhile, try talking to him. Atfirst, you'd be better off to not bring up what happened. Let him get comfortablein your friendship again. After awhile, if you feel like you want to acknowledgewhat happened, you may want to speak to him at that point. Don't be surprised,though, if he is not receptive to speaking about "it."Are you gay? You're the onlyone who can answer that question. Having a girlfriend now and in the pastwill not answer that question for you. You need to look deep inside yourselfand, if you are honest and open with yourself, then you will have the answer.Keep smiling hon,PapaDearPapa,I am 32yrs old and consider myself heterosexual.I am attracted to women both physically and emotionally. However, I haveoccasionally enjoyed the physical feeling of sex with a man. Its a differenttype feeling and while I don't have the intimate connection I have to awomen, I like occasionally being with a man.As long as I am not in a committed relationshipwith somebody is their anything wrong with this and do other people behavein a similar manner?Heterosexual who occasionally likes men... Hi, Heterosexual who occasionallylikes men!A great many people behave similarly.You are definitely not alone! Is there anything wrong with that? Not thatI can see! As long as you are not in a committed relationship and bothparties are comfortable with each other, enjoy!PapaHiPapa,Hi Papa,I've got a huge problem on my hands, and I'mreally hoping you canhelp me out, as I have nowhere else to turn.I'm fifteen, a sophomore in high school witha great boyfriend whom I find very attractive. However, when we "messaround" I almost always go along with him just to get it over with. I feellike I'm denying him something that he should have, so I pretend to havea good time. Truth is, I'm rather shy when it comes to things like this,and besides that, I'm not usually having a good time at all! It justseems so easy for guys to get aroused and know what to do! On top of allthis, I have, as of late, begun to have sexual feelings for females. Ireally believe I'd like a female/female experience, but I'll probably neverhave one. I have never fantasized about a guy when I masturbate. It's alwaysgirls that excite me like that.Please help me! Am I bisexual? Am I homosexual? Am I straight? I'm so confused! Whatam I going to say to my friends and family, who assume me to be "normal"and like only the opposite sex? I find both sexes attractive sexually,but isn't that normal for teenagers? I'd really like to find outjust what I am!Thank you very much, Papa!Worried and Confused Hi hon!Oh my! Sexuality is SUCH a complexissue. I think almost everyone is bisexual to some degree. While definingoneself as either gay or straight is very black and white, I think mostpeople fall into the very huge gray area in between. Bisexuality includeseverything from casual thoughts about having sex with the same gender toactually doing it on a regular basis. It also encompasses people who enjoyit solely for the sexual thrill to people who have the ability to lovepeople of both genders physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentallyequally.What one chooses to label themselves,if they choose at all, is a personal decision. I label myself as gay eventhough thoughts may have, in the past, occasionally gone throughmy mind of a relationship with a female. I would say I'm about 99.99% gay,but that .01% part of me that would have a relationship with a female technicallymakes me bisexual. This is why it is not an easy answer when people askme if they are gay or not.I think the answer for you willcome in time as to what you are; whether you decide that you are gay, straight,bisexual or asexual. (GOD FORBID!!!)Love ya, Papa Clickhere to read Past Letters To Papa Reader's Comments toPapa Click here tosend E-Mail   SignMy Guestbook Statement FromSteven Cozza, 12 yo, Life Boy Scout "The Boy Scouts of Americais a great program with one BAD thing. It discriminates against gay youth and adults. No one should be discriminated against. I don't evensay the Scout Law at troop meetings because the BSA does not follow theScout Law when it discriminates against gay people. The Scout Law says ascout... should treat others as he would want to be treated. I don't knowanyone who wants to be discriminated against the way the Boy Scouts ofAmerica discriminates against gays." "Gay youth and Adultsshould be allowed in scouting. The leading cause of death for gay youthis suicide. Gay youth feel rejected. The Boy Scouts of America's policyonly makes things worse. We should be kind to one another. People are different.The world is diverse. People are like a rainbow with many different colors.Rainbows are beautiful. I'm glad rainbows are not just one color.And you know something, I don't think God woulddiscriminate against gays.Why does the BSA?" WhiteRibbon Campaign Raising Awareness about Gay-Teen Suicide And remembering those who we've lost  This Site Visited  Times! Papa is a member of  Ask Papa is the proudrecipient of these Awards:    Counter provided by  Guestbook provided by  This page hosted by  Get your own Free Home PagePage Designed by Ace In The Hole Graphics, Copyright1996geovisit();
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