var quote = new Array(286) quote[0] = "Just because the glass is half empty doesn't mean you can't drink it up." quote[1] = "Somebody has to state the obvious." quote[2] = "I think I'll write it down now that I've forgotten." quote[3] = "Is it a bad sign if someone tells a joke in your dream and you don't get it?" quote[4] = "If others are going to have a laugh at my expense, the least I can do is be generous with the material." quote[5] = "What infidel used a metal utensil on my non-stick cookware?!!" quote[6] = "What part of R.S.V.P. do people not understand?" quote[7] = "Sting is like the chicken of music. Everything sounds like him." quote[8] = "You can't run your life by quotes." quote[9] = "I guess it's too late to join the Nauvoo Legion, isn't it?" quote[10] = "You've got to throw yourself in to figure yourself out." quote[11] = "In the Beginning...wait, that's a different story." quote[12] = "There are some days when nothing is tactful." quote[13] = "Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Those who do learn from history are doomed to watch others repeat it." quote[14] = "Being that you are what you think, evolutionists act as though they were descended from monkeys, while creationists act as though they were hand-crafted by God." quote[15] = "Whoa, what's with that skull...? Oh, it's a skull." quote[16] = "It's my major, not my religion." quote[17] = "I am a forgotten relic of a bygone legacy of dance." quote[18] = "I'm in Utah but not of Utah." quote[19] = "Love makes a philosopher out of everyone." quote[20] = "Sometimes you just have to find a quiet place and get in touch with your inner jock." quote[21] = "Wait a minute! If we had enough sugar and spice and everything nice, couldn't we just make our own girls?" quote[22] = "Do evil geniuses knit?" quote[23] = "What kind of rogue are you?" quote[24] = "Free is better than cheap." quote[25] = "I wish I had Goth friends, but I scare them." quote[26] = "I guess you didn't notice I was in the middle of an epic struggle with pastry." quote[27] = "The snakes weren't for flavor. They were for effect." quote[28] = "I figure if you wake up and there isn't a black, drooling alien chasing you, your day is off to a pretty good start." quote[29] = "The letter 'J' is a symbol of growth and change, a dynamic turning point in the narrative of the alphabet." quote[30] = "Dice. Lots of dice." quote[31] = "If you touched that painting, I would kill you." quote[32] = "In the name of the nine muses, terrible to declare, daughters of Mnemosyne, I charge thee stand!" quote[33] = "I just made a critical failure on my dating roll." quote[34] = "There's no way I can make this sound hypothetical; it's so dumb everyone will know it was me." quote[35] = "I don't think 'lucid' is exactly the word for my state." quote[36] = "Just spell it wrong and put it in quotes." quote[37] = "(sung) Clean socks! Nothing quite like 'em, can't live without 'em, clean socks!" quote[38] = "To me, reading for pleasure is as sensual and decadent as a chocolate sundae." quote[39] = "I have a killer headache, but I also have killer night vision." quote[40] = "I am strong in my strong points and not bad in my not-strong points." quote[41] = "After a careful analysis of my past failed relationships, I have determined that blondes are a bad habit in which I can no longer afford to indulge." quote[42] = "I am the Doorman!" quote[43] = "No mass-produced lasagna is going to upstage my penne al forno!" quote[44] = "Depth perception, don't fail me now!" quote[45] = "Every photon has a story to tell." quote[46] = "I'm sorry, I was busy being happy." quote[47] = "I love commas!" quote[48] = "Do these people not have mothers?" quote[49] = "What do you know about the Unconquered Sun? Would you like to know more?" quote[50] = "As much as I would like to be related to you, your sister's really not my type." quote[51] = "Waiting until you have time to do genealogy is like waiting until you can afford to have children." quote[52] = "A Mormon movie without cheese is like...a grilled cheese sandwich without cheese!" quote[53] = "The French are just like Italians except I can't understand what they're saying." quote[54] = "I should have been born a Brit." quote[55] = "I'm going to shut up right now." quote[56] = "It's not even my favorite thumb." quote[57] = "A good meal, a good book, and a good nap. What more can a man desire?" quote[58] = "Am I almost good or what?" quote[59] = "Unless it's the 1812 Overture, no classical music is going to overpower my thinking." quote[60] = "Time flies when you're filled with burning rage." quote[61] = "These pockets were not designed for use in zero-gravity." quote[62] = "I didn't have any makeup, so I used chocolate instead." quote[63] = "Something smells good. That's bad." quote[64] = "Oops! Was that dust supposed to be there?" quote[65] = "Well, that settles it. I'm just going to have to build a better baklava." quote[66] = "If I can't get sleep, I can at least get blood sugar." quote[67] = "Along with random acts of kindness, I also practice gentle acts of insanity." quote[68] = "There are unfortunately few instances in which one can use the phrase 'unholy flesheater' in normal conversation." quote[69] = "Up to no good." quote[70] = "Men were put on this earth for two reasons: to hold the Priesthood and to lug heavy things about." quote[71] = "I make my own right of way." quote[72] = "Don't floss angry!" quote[73] = "A little megalomania is harmless, as long as it's confined to the kitchen." quote[74] = "They're Sidereals. You can tell by their fashion sense." quote[75] = "I can't even begin to explain, so I'm going to have to tell you about last night through interpretive dance." quote[76] = "I believe in hitchhiking as a socialist principle." quote[77] = "I'm not in a hair-smelling relationship." quote[78] = "Keep in mind, this is coming from a man who's wearing black, brown, and navy." quote[79] = "It's a good day because I SAID SO!" quote[80] = "Adventure is something that is most likely a very, very bad idea, but sounds like it would be exciting, so you try it anyway." quote[81] = "You may have noticed I am extremely unlike most guys." quote[82] = "Who does the Devil think he is? Santana?" quote[83] = "You're psycho, I'm psycho - everybody wins!" quote[84] = "I don't understand what's going on, but it's fun to watch." quote[85] = "Freshmen are cute. Like hamsters, they are. Small." quote[86] = "Why not undo deserts? As a hobby." quote[87] = "Football is for...nerds!" quote[88] = "Like calligraphy, driving is a martial art. Also like calligraphy, driving is something I'm not very good at." quote[89] = "You may be an anomaly. Have you taken that into consideration?" quote[90] = "This show makes me happy. Is that so wrong?" quote[91] = "You know what I've learned from experience? Nobody really cares if your socks match." quote[92] = "We all had to go a little crazy to keep from going insane." quote[93] = "Some scriptures should come with a disclaimer: 'do not try this at home.'" quote[94] = "What if it was a magic roast? I mean, that could happen, right?" quote[95] = "I'm very inductive. And I'm craving those little cheese things." quote[96] = "I've seen flirtation, and it doesn't involve screaming and pissing off the whole neighborhood." quote[97] = "I could also cause trouble in Japan, if that was required of me." quote[98] = "False. No? I'm just throwing out options here." quote[99] = "Steve is a whole group of fat Asian guys to me." quote[100] = "What can I say? I'm a scary guy." quote[101] = "We're not a 'chosen generation.' We volunteered!" quote[102] = "PH33R MY L337 H4B3RD4SH3RY!" quote[103] = "If something starts burning, make it stop." quote[104] = "If you're not who I think you are, then who are you?" quote[105] = "I don't care about society. I'm not in that demographic." quote[106] = "May the spirit of yeti be with you." quote[107] = "Shoot the narrator!" quote[108] = "Given the parameters of grammar and quantum mechanics, just about anything is 'possible.'" quote[109] = "It may appear that I am gratuitously watching these opening credits, but in truth I am orienting my sandwich for a cosmic experience." quote[110] = "It's a good thing thieves are neither as resourceful nor as determined as I am." quote[111] = "For honor and glory!!!" quote[112] = "Faith, hope, and the Devil's own luck." quote[113] = "Maybe, somewhere out there in the 49/8ths dimension, even I have a DNA buddy and number one fan." quote[114] = "They appear to be the product of a moderately-deranged mind." quote[115] = "I'm having more fun than should probably be legal." quote[116] = "You may be a bad influence, but you're very good at it." quote[117] = "Back to pseudo-reality." quote[118] = "You may say there's no such thing as Senta, but as for me and the Dutchman, we believe." quote[119] = "You really don't see meat smoothies." quote[120] = "I don't think I agree with soup." quote[121] = "It's a druid thing." quote[122] = "I'm the navy ninja!" quote[123] = "Who do they think I am? Me?!" quote[124] = "Of all the things eighth-graders could be doing, hanging out with supernatural warriors probably isn't the worst." quote[125] = "Holy crap...or wholly crap?" quote[126] = "It's not a tragic torn-between-two-epic-loves triple suicide kind of thing. I just like 'em both." quote[127] = "That's so cute! I can't believe I just said that!" quote[128] = "Cold pasta is not substantially different from cold pizza." quote[129] = "Isn't it great to have a humanities major on your side?" quote[130] = "Man, you and Nature. It's like your married or something. You're always hanging out together. Anytime she calls you just drop everything and go." quote[131] = "Call an exorcist!" quote[132] = "I am shamed by my ineptitude with numbers!" quote[133] = "I don't care if she's your type; is she my type?" quote[134] = "I'm just a wacky ball of mischief!" quote[135] = "It's just a cultural trainwreck over here." quote[136] = "If anyone asks, we're Estonians." quote[137] = "One thing can be said with certainty: humans are interesting critters." quote[138] = "It was one of those 'pull out the big gun and keep firing until the barrel melts down' kind of talks." quote[139] = "It's that kind of nerd that gives geeks like us a bad name!" quote[140] = "Oh, she's rye." quote[141] = "Keys are for people who can't unlock doors with their mind...or lockpicks." quote[142] = "My socks reek of destiny!" quote[143] = "Wal-Mart is the evil global empire America wishes it could be." quote[144] = "Muhuhahahahahaha...hmmm...ha. Good." quote[145] = "At least they're polite evil killer robots!" quote[146] = "Do not groom and cook at the same time, or you may wind up combing your hair with a spatula." quote[147] = "I figure if I can't be part of the solution, I may as well be part of the problem." quote[148] = "They say that the city never sleeps. Not only does it sleep, but apparently it sleeps late." quote[149] = "I'm bothering you? Well, you're bothering me! We all bother each other and we all tolerate it. That's what life is about. Or, at least, that's what flying coach is about." quote[150] = "Oh, man! Something unfriendly is going on inside my ear!" quote[151] = "Enlighten away, master." quote[152] = "So that's it. My entire conception of feminine beauty comes from Muppets." quote[153] = "That is so not a word." quote[154] = "I feel...what's the opposite of enlightened?" quote[155] = "You have to read between the lines. And you have to realize that sometimes there isn't anything there." quote[156] = "Of course, you can't exactly download hotcakes." quote[157] = "I know how to work the system, I just choose not to." quote[158] = "The interesting thing is that it wasn't interesting." quote[159] = "Ah, the things I do for my imaginary public." quote[160] = "I still don't understand what's up with that cat." quote[161] = "No! Never mix peanut butter and wasabi!" quote[162] = "They must think asymmetry is sexy or something." quote[163] = "That's the mnemonic they used in Chitty-Chitty, Bang-Bang." quote[164] = "There I go, gettin' all disconcerted." quote[165] = "Reality is optional." quote[166] = "That's just wrong. Wrong wrongly wrongitty-wrong wrong." quote[167] = "I'm trying to figure out why the Australian mafia would invest in building an inter-dimensional gate." quote[168] = "What about the turtle's feelings?" quote[169] = "I'm not food!" quote[170] = "What's the point of having two swords if you're not going to use them both?" quote[171] = "Mmm...smells like anime!" quote[172] = "I'm too stealthy for my shirt, too stealthy for my shirt, too stealthy, yeah..." quote[173] = "Bleach is what to live for." quote[174] = "I'm going to fit right in...except that I'll be half a foot taller than everyone and white." quote[175] = "Dream big or don't dream at all." quote[176] = "Mr. Darcy is always hot." quote[177] = "And you still owe me a dollar for asking the meat guy the cannibalsim question." quote[178] = "Green is no longer a safe color." quote[179] = "You are all crazy! You're all crazy! You're...you're...I love this show!" quote[180] = "I know this word!" quote[181] = "Well, what do you expect for 216 gram shoes?" quote[182] = "We are still in the northern hemisphere, are we not?" quote[183] = "You are an evil restaurant!" quote[184] = "Score! Double score! Pens galore!" quote[185] = "I need more shonen in my life." quote[186] = "I neither want nor need any of your broccoli-infested whipped cream." quote[187] = "Well, you had to have incurred the wrath of somebody! We're talking about some serious wrath here!" quote[188] = "Let's try to find a solution that does not result in the end of the world." quote[189] = "I was a geek before it was cool!" quote[190] = "You know your love life is in the toilet when Music Man begins to have special relevance for you." quote[191] = "You do realize, don't you, that you're pushing broke and talking about a double hit of cheesecake." quote[192] = "I'm having some trouble attaching the sleeves and I'm running out of dental floss!" quote[193] = "I left behind the oddest odds and ends that were ever oddly ended." quote[194] = "It's sad when you realize that your choices sometimes boil down to doing the crossword puzzle or eating. And it's sadder that sometimes the crossword puzzle wins." quote[195] = "Aw, c'mon, where's the love? Or, in this case, the bear meat." quote[196] = "I don't know, I'm pretty good at destroying things." quote[197] = "I suspect that this is a sidewalk. Oh. I suspect that this is not a sidewalk." quote[198] = "You wanna make caltrops, eh? Bring it. I know more about polyhedra than most math majors combined." quote[199] = "I'm only a little evil." quote[200] = "Your cute little jammies are no match for my Falling Scythe Attack!" quote[201] = "That's not necessary. Just because I'm Zoltan, Lord of the Oververse..." quote[202] = "Kancho...is there a kanji for that?" quote[203] = "It would have been cooler if I was being chased by something." quote[204] = "Are we officially off holy ground now? Because lunch is important to me." quote[205] = "Forget pads and paper, we need sharp knives and toothpicks. Well, the toothpicks are optional, but we do need the sharp knives." quote[206] = "Demons?! I can't even cast out a bowel movement!" quote[207] = "Yeah, but I'm a smart idiot!" quote[208] = "Why, yes, I do speak spider." quote[209] = "We talk of cannibalism, we rejoice in cannibalism, we are suspected of cannibalism, and we laugh at anyone who takes us seriously." quote[210] = "I can no longer endorse this chicken." quote[211] = "I try to keep my food and my footwear a separate as possible." quote[212] = "Let me read your socks!" quote[213] = "Never be in such a hurry as to miss an opportunity to do an unnecessary good turn." quote[214] = "She's not my wife, she's my Buddha buddy." quote[215] = "Green Eggs and Ham, I choose you!" quote[216] = "That? That's a wombat." quote[217] = "The GAP doesn't want me and Hot Topic's afraid I'll take over." quote[218] = "It's a long story, which is both true and false at the same time, and you seem like a nice enough person and I don't want your head to explode, so let's just leave it at that." quote[219] = "That ain't normal...well, less normal than usual." quote[220] = "I JUST CAN'T SEE CROSSBOWS AS COOL. IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?" quote[221] = "Yes, that is my Zenmai Zamurai, please do not touch it." quote[222] = "I hate everyone and everything. Does that about cover it?" quote[223] = "Ye gods, I'm so hypertextual tonight!" quote[224] = "Okay, so I can't exactly sprout chain-whips of magical energy out of my forearms, but I am nevertheless pretty cool." quote[225] = "(sung) You don't have to be a monster to be my girl." quote[226] = "I've been up half the night with the hummus like a colicky baby." quote[227] = "Confusing Oliver Stone with Laurence Olivier is like confusing Wilford Woodruff and Woodrow Wilson: a feat only few over the age of seven can accomplish." quote[228] = "I know so little about sports and finance I don't know junk bonds from Barry Bonds." quote[229] = "That looks dangerous, but...so cute!" quote[230] = "Gnreeyah! Spooky lady!" quote[231] = "Gaah! For the love of stopping and not doing that anymore!" quote[232] = "Powerful magical beings sure can eat a lot." quote[233] = "You are not from England, squirt. Not even a little bit." quote[234] = "Sorry. That was just my old Virginia reel reflexes kicking in." quote[235] = "It's a flying piano. Apparently it doesn't need its legs. Ooh! A stealth flying piano! Even better." quote[236] = "And you're becoming transparent. That is something for which I would seek medical attention." quote[237] = "I'm going to take my life in my own hands. Don't wait up." quote[238] = "You hot-wired a time machine?!" quote[239] = "You need a more powerful imagination in order to process this audio." quote[240] = "So, yeah, I'm going to watch a couple of those to restore some sanity points before getting back to work." quote[241] = "Now that's a webcam!" quote[242] = "Could someone remind me again what a chalupa is, exactly? Sorry, I know, I'm a little out of touch." quote[243] = "I love you, aluminum! Don't ever change!" quote[244] = "'When in doubt, eat it,' - probably not the best policy." quote[245] = "If I'm not biting into the head of a dinosaur then I just look like an angry psycho." quote[246] = "For a moment, I was sure Afghan police had killed four mutants. Then I read it again and life got much less interesting." quote[247] = "Your book is weird - and hot. It's a weird, hot book." quote[248] = "This must be the only job in the world where you can say to your boss, 'Dude, your mushrooms are setting off fireworks,' and not be summarily put down for a stoner." quote[249] = "Arright - groovy...groovy...groovy...I'm gonna be sick!" quote[250] = "There's a half-meter-tall statue of Skuld. Do you need another reason?" quote[251] = "I hate myself with every fiber of myself!" quote[252] = "Either my identity has been stolen by some very unusual people, or this spam filter just isn't doing it's job." quote[253] = "I don't think I want a WEAPONIZED LASER anywhere near my students!" quote[254] = "Spiders are sexy." quote[255] = "Caffeine is like arsenic. Once you start, you can't stop." quote[256] = "I like how she bursts into flames from time to time." quote[257] = "I'll reduce your dynamic range!" quote[258] = "I do not need a tiger-striped loincloth, and I don't know anyone who does." quote[259] = "Mo - - - m, is it the equinox yet?" quote[260] = "Dude, moon-viewing party at my place." quote[261] = "I'm a pragmatist, not a realist." quote[262] = "What part of '23.976fps' did you not understand?" quote[263] = "I think I just broke reality!" quote[264] = "I want a hamburger and everything that it stands for." quote[265] = "They should call me 'Shinkansen,' because I get you there with time to spare!" quote[266] = "This is slightly amusing, in a perverse and shiny way." quote[267] = "If I were a Flintstone...Yabba, dabba, dabba, dabba, dabba, dabba, dabba, doo..." quote[268] = "So, does cannibalism work with the Atkins diet?" quote[269] = "I just don't know if Cobb dressing is right for a kimchi-octopus salad." quote[270] = "I reserve the right to find this disturbing." quote[271] = "My car has an alignment problem. It's chaotic evil." quote[272] = "[sung, to the tune of 'Polly-Wolly-Doodle']A young man who has worked for yearsFor a Liberal Arts BAWill often have to go abroadto find a job that pays." quote[273] = "Just because you're better than me doesn't necessarily mean that you're good." quote[274] = "All the world's a stage, and some people are merely extras." quote[275] = "Santa Claus is like a dragon. He may be cool, but he's not technically real." quote[276] = "It sounds smarter than a smoke detector." quote[277] = "Theories are disposable." quote[278] = "Estonia?! Dude! Estonia is all about oil shale, dude!" quote[279] = "I'd rather be happy...wait, how does that go? Ah, I'd rather be fat than damned, that's it." quote[280] = "He's a freaking monstrosity! *I* wanted to be a freaking monstrosity!" quote[281] = "I'm gonna see rheas! Gondwanafreaks!" quote[282] = "One does NOT play air guitar during a viewing of Pride and Pejudice!" quote[283] = "I guess he's there for chuckling lessons." quote[284] = "You know what would make this outfit complete? The One Ring." quote[285] = "Let's get down to brass monkeys." var n = Math.random() var x = Math.round(n*285) document.write('"' + quote[x] + '"')