|
|
| About site: Relationships/Marriage/Education and Enrichment - Fighting Fair |
Return to Society also Society
|
| About site: http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/fairfigh.htm |
Title: Relationships/Marriage/Education and Enrichment - Fighting Fair Detailed article covering conflict resolution for couples, including examples.
|
| Alexa statistic for http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/fairfigh.htm |
Please visit: http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/fairfigh.htm
|
| Related sites for http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/fairfigh.htm |
| Centre_d\'hémodialyse_de_l\'Archette Private dialysis clinic open year-round in France. | | Common_Sense_on_Social_Security Discusses various Social Security reform options. | | Hillier,_Billy Contains personal information and running. | | Lothlorien_Community Alternative community and healing and retreat center located in Brazil. | | Ticqle Personal ads for singles with Web-enabled mobile phones. Option to receive an alert when other Ticqle members with matching interests are at the same location. | | UNICEF__The_State_of_the_World\'s_Children_1998 Overviews the scale of malnutrition and causes, lists solutions, gives a scientific role, and provides statistical tables . | | Canandaigua_Pilgrim_Holiness_Church Canandaigua, New York. Services, doctrine, events, pastor, youth, contact, location and links. | | National_Legal_Foundation A non-profit Christian constitutional litigation firm and policy think tank committed to restoring America's Biblical foundations. | | National_Academy_of_Social_Insurance Nonpartisan policy information on Social Security, Supplemental Security Income (SSI), Medicare and other social insurance programs. | | Huband_Family Ancestral history of Frank P Huband including photographs, family tree and coat of arms. | | Allan_Kardec_Study_Group Nonprofit organization dedicated to promoting Spiritism. Located in Vancouver, British Columbia. | | Rotary_Club_of_Northampton Northampton, UK - District 1070 | | Campus_Ministry_International All Faiths Chapel hosts weekly Bible study meetings and social activities for Texas A&M University students. | | My_Catharsis Social and political commentary by a libertarian leaning conservative. | | Rambam_(Maimonides) Biography of Rabbi Moshe ben Maimon, the 12th-century Sephardic leader. | | Speak,_Bird,_Speak_Again__Palestinian_Arab_Folktales Collection of tales gathered and annotated by Ibrahim Muhawi (Darwish) and Sharif Kanaana; e-text from the University of California Press. | | Chi_Sigma_Phi An international fraternity. Chapter at Oswego State University of New York. | | FAS__Hizb-ul-Mujahideen_(HUM) Description, activities, strength, area of operation and external aid. Links to additional resources. From the Federation of American Scientists. USA. | | Stairway_To_Heaven Discussion of Jacob's famous "ladder" dream, and its possible implications forChristians today. | | What_Is_A_Melungeon? History and description of several groups known as Melungeon. |
|
This is websites2007.org cache of m/ as retrieved on 2008.08.21 websites2007.org's cache is the snapshot that we took of the page as we crawled the web. The page may have changed since that time.
|
Fighting Fair Lynne Namka, Ed. D. Licensed Psychologist 6812 N. Oracle, Tucson, AZ 85704 YOU AND I EQUAL RESPECT The Formula For Fair Fighting Lynne Namka (c) l991 Conflict, confrontation, arguments! When do we ever win them? Why is it so difficult to disagree with others and come outfeeling good about it? Why do we hate to be in the hotseat? Why does fighting with someone else make us feel sorotten? Maurice and Joan found themselves talking less and lessto each other after their retirement. Formerly satisfied withtheir marriage when both had active careers, now they avoidingtalking about things that upset them because they ended upfighting over the smallest things. The retirement yearsthat they had long waited for were turning into a nightmarebecause of conflict. They were caught in a continual strugglefor power and control resulting in an guerrilla style offighting. Fights happen when we feel threatened about something that isimportant to us. Otherwise with the painfulness of conflict, wewould be willing to let go of the issue. Some of our values,attitudes or possessions are challenged making us feel that ourbasic self esteem is threatened. We take a defensive stand andcome out swinging. Unfortunately few of us know how to fight ina productive way. We have learned rules for fighting from thosepeople who did not know how to express themselves in constructiveways--our parents. When we are challenged, we often revert backto our little child self, hurt and angry. We simply perpetuatepoor communication habits because we do not know how to doanything different.But wait! Research and family systems theory to the rescue! Here is what current psychology has to say about approaching thetricky problem of getting what you want without beating upyourself and your mate. Here are some ideas that will help youreduce heated arguments and stay on the track of figuring outwhat will be the best for both of you. Here are some rules forfair fighting.* Don't let things fester inside. Anger must be expressed orit will build up. Schedule arguments ahead of time when you feelthe pressure building up. Agree before hand that there are somethings that you can disagree on (opinions on politics, personalinterests and beliefs.) Other things must be worked through (how to raise the children, spend money, how you would like to betreated, etc..) Determine which category your topic falls in. * Chose a time when you will not be distracted by familymembers, guests or television and when you both are relativelyrelaxed. Sit face to face and keep eye contact at the samelevel. Make a contract to discuss the issue of concern only andagree to avoid those ways of acting that sabotage problemsolving. Make a commitment to use the rules of fair fighting. * Express what is going on to the best of your ability. Talkfeelings. Tell the person how you feel about what is going on. Feeling first, solutions later. Get your point across in aconstructive way by owning how you feel about the topic. Use the formula sentence, When you _____, I feel ____ . This simplestatement allows you to take responsibility for your own feelingsand behavior without blaming the other person. Learning to use this feeling statement to express your emotionshelps you stay in the present and keeps you real. Practice thissentence over and over in times when you are not angry so that it becomes part of your vocabulary. Sharing of feelings increasesintimacy. Avoid sentences that begin with You always.... Don'ttell the other person what they always do in a blaming way, butfocus on what you want to have happen. Keep coming back to the I feel formula that helps you own your own feelings. Talkfeelings, talk feelings, talk feelings! * Allow the other person's feelings to come out. Do notdiscount the other person's feelings by saying, You should not feel that way. All feelings of anger, disgust, jealously,despair, etc. are human and need to be expressed. Bottled upfeelings that are uncomfortable will only serve to make theproblem worse as resentment and bitterness increase. * Show the other person that you really heard what he or shesaid. Repeat back what the other person just said. Say I heardthat you said ______ and what I feel about that is __________. Listen for the feelings of hurt and threat behind theirstatements. Ask the other person for clarification if you do notunderstand what they are saying.* Take turns talking. No monologues allowed. You should beable to make your point in less than a minute or two. Anylonger turns into a lecture and You always or you should ____ which are blaming statements. Make sure the other person islistening. Only one person should speak at a time. Healthyconversation is like playing toss and catch. One person speaksand one person listens. Go back and forth with theconversational ball. Take turns talking.* Stick to the topic. Do not bring in other sore issues. Agreeto discuss the pertinent topic only saying, We arediscussing______, not ________ Watch for ways you get off thetrack. Keep coming back to the issue under discussion.* Stop using techniques that turn up the heat and move you bothaway from problem solving. Blaming, name calling, threatening, foul language and sarcasm decrease intimacy. Young childrenbelieve what they hear their parents saying. They are devastatedwhen they overhear these forms of verbal abuse. These ways ofcommunicating cut down on the possibility of your getting whatyou want out of the argument. Take out blame statements and name calling. No problem isever solved by telling the other person how bad they are. Namecalling causes the person to revert back to their behavior andfeelings they had as a little child when their parents scoldedthem. It either renders them helpless or makes them more angry. Name calling, criticism and blaming only perpetuate the problem. Watch your use of cursing. Cursing adds negative energy tothe confrontation placing the other person in danger of feelingshame. Cuss words are like waving a red flag at a bull and increase the heat of the argument. Know that your use of cussworks only shuts the other person down and that they feel theneed to defend themselves further. Do not make empty threats. Do not threaten to leave therelationship or order the other person to get out unless youreally mean it. Threatening to break up the relationshiponly brings up more fear and defensiveness in the other person. Stop using statements of sarcasm. Sarcasm is a learnedhabit of moving away from problem solving. Sarcasm is a form ofdishonesty as you say one thing but mean another. It is atechnique of distraction moving away from the issue at hand.*Watch for ways you withdraw from the argument. Withdrawal fromconflict is one of the most common reasons for causing arelationship to fail. Nothing is ever solved by leavingthe issue hanging and both partners are left in feelings ofhopelessness due to lack of closure. The typical pattern is that men withdrawal and women push formore discussion. Another typical pattern is that women becomecompliant. They do not carry the topic through to closure butgive up because feelings of helplessness and what's the use creep in. * Schedule breathing breaks, or set a timer for every two orthree minutes for a breathing break. During this time do notthink of the argument and what you want to say. Think ofbeing calm and relaxed. Say to yourself I respect my partnerand his or her opinions. I respect myself and my opinions. When you start to become confused or upset, breathe deeply fromyour diaphragm to bring in more energy and stay centered.*Watch your need to be right and win. Remember the quote fromThe Course In Miracles, Do you want to be right or do you wantto be happy. Tell the other person what you do want. Rememberthat you won't always get it but you need to express what youfeel is best for you. Keep coming back to what you want but beready to compromise. Stand firm only on those decisions whichcompromise your integrity as a person.*Offer compromises. Stop investing in winning and using powerplays and figure out what is really important to you. Tell theother person what you will give up if they give up something ofvalue to them. Keep the negotiation open. Stop every fiveminutes to sum up what you do agree on and note where thedisagreements still lie. Make notes if necessary. Remind yourself and your partner about the importance of fightingfairly. See how you respond and cope when you feel threatened.* Observe your patterns of coping with conflict by becomingcompliant, using blame or withdrawing. Observe how you go forthe jugular vein of the other person in attempts to get your way. Note how you are willing to attack your partner's vulnerableareas and make the conscious choice to stop doing this. Challengeyourself to change your own pattern of dysfunctionalcommunication. When you slip off into changing the topic, namecalling, sarcasm, withdrawal or compliance, state it to youpartner, Look, I found myself doing _____. Make a commitmentto break the dysfunctional pattern and stick to the positiveways of communicating. Keep coming back to the topic. Bringconflict back to the expressing of feelings level andwillingness to negotiate.These are the basic rules for staying clean while you disagreewith someone. Now go to your corners and come out fighting! Fairfighting only! Hold practice sessions with your partner to learn these stickto the topic and fight fair rules. Practice on topics that arenot highly emotionally involved for both of you. Focus onimproving your communication style instead of trying to winfights. Remember you, like everyone else, have had years ofpractice in the ways of dysfunctional communication. Keepasking yourself, Do I want to increase intimacy with my partneror do I want to win? What do I really want? Put your energy intoproblem solving at all times. Put your energy into learningabout yourself and your partner. When the discussion is over, evaluate yourself on how you did. Don't be a critical judge about your performance. Remember thatyou are learning new ways of acting. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself credit for every time you remembered to fight fair. Make a contract with yourself on areas that you still need tochange. Learning to fight fair is about self responsibility!If you hear your parents speak through your voice when you areupset, you may be projecting your parents style of fighting onyour mate. Projection is a style of slipping back into the past because of unresolved childhood issues. When you project, youconfuse unresolved anger felt at your parents with your mate. There are techniques of hypnosis that can help you breakprojecting your anger at your parent on your current partner. Ifyou have difficulty following these rules and your anger ishighly irrational or so highly threatened by conflict that youavoid it at any costs, then you are operating out of the dictatesof the unconscious mind. If applying these fair fightingtechniques on your own does not work, then you may need someprofessional help to help you break old behavior patternsthat stem from childhood. Recent research shows that couples break up because they do notknow how to resolve their differences through communication. Hostility only breeds more hostility. Venting the negativeemotions may clear the air temporarily, but it does not solve theunderlying problem and serves to make it worse. Backing awayfrom the conflict and ignoring it only sends each partner intosecretiveness, withdraw and isolation. The message becomesclear--the couple that fights together stays together happilyonly if they use the techniques of conflict resolution. Becoming an observer of yourself during times of confrontationcan give your realms of information about your defensiveness. Defensiveness is only a signal that you need to learn about howyou protect yourself when you are threatened. You can learn aboutyourself and your patterns of coping with threat and ways to staypresent and centered during disagreements. Bringing a problem toresolution and closure through continued discussion andcompromise is an honorable acts it shows respect for the needs ofboth partners. Learning to fight fair and keep communicationopen can be an opportunity for growth for you as an individualand can increase the intimacy between you and your partner.Back to the Welcome PageMore on Talk, Trust and Feel TherapeuticsHow to Let Go of Your Mad Baggage |
|
| |
Detailed | article | covering | conflict | resolution | for | couples, | including | examples. |
|
http://members.aol.com/AngriesOut/fairfigh.htm
Fighting Fair 2008 August
dvd rental
dvd
Detailed article covering conflict resolution for couples, including examples.
Rules
|
© 2008 Internet Explorer 5+ or Netscape 6+
|
|
Recommended Sites: 1.
Arts -
Business -
Computers -
Games -
Health -
Home -
Kids and Teens -
News -
Recreation -
Reference -
Regional -
Science -
Shopping -
Society -
Sports -
World
Miss Gallery
- Top Anime Hentai
- DVD rental by mail
- MySpace Images - Loan - Mortgages uk - Car Insurance - Secured Loans
|
