In Jeans or a Dress: Misadventures in Online Dating
/*
-----------------------------------------------
Blogger Template Style
Name: Thisaway (Rose)
Designer: Dan Rubin
URL: www.superfluousbanter.org
Date: 29 Feb 2004
----------------------------------------------- */
/* global
----------------------------------------------- */
body {
margin: 0;
padding: 0;
text-align: center;
min-width: 760px;
background: #ce436e url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/bg_body.gif) repeat-x left top;
font-family: helvetica, arial, verdana, "trebuchet ms", sans-serif;
color: #632035;
}
blockquote {
margin: 0;
padding: 0 10px 0 10px;
border-left: 6px solid #f7d8e2;
border-right: 6px solid #f7d8e2;
color: #ba476b;
}
code {
color: #ba8094;
}
hr {
display: none;
}
/* layout
----------------------------------------------- */
#wrapper {
margin: 0 auto;
width: 760px;
text-align: left;
}
#blog-header {
padding-bottom: 15px;
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/bg_header_bottom.gif) no-repeat left bottom;
}
#blog-header div {
background: #632035 url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/bg_header.gif) repeat-x left bottom;
}
#main-wrapper {
position: relative;
width: 760px;
background: #f7f0e9 url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/bg_main_wrapper.gif) repeat-y left top;
}
#main-content {
display: inline; /* fixes a strange ie margin bug */
float: left;
margin: 0 0 0 3px;
padding: 0;
width: 483px;
}
#content-wrapper {
padding: 22px 0 0 0;
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/bg_content.gif) repeat-x left top;
}
.post {
margin: 0 16px 14px 29px;
padding: 0;
border-bottom: 3px solid #f7d8e2;
}
#comments {
margin: 0 16px 14px 29px;
padding: 10px;
border: 1px solid #f0ced8;
background-color: #f5e4e9;
}
#sidebar-wrapper {
display: inline; /* fixes a strange ie margin bug */
float: right;
margin: 0 3px 0 0;
width: 269px;
color: #761c37;
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/bg_sidebar.gif) repeat-x left top;
}
#sidebar {
padding: 7px 11px 0 14px;
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/bg_sidebar_arrow.gif) repeat-y 179px 0;
}
#profile-container {
margin-bottom: 20px;
}
#blog-footer {
padding-top: 15px;
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/bg_footer_top.gif) no-repeat left top;
}
#blog-footer div {
background: #491525 url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/bg_footer.gif) repeat-x left top;
}
/* headings
----------------------------------------------- */
#blog-header h1 {
margin: 0;
padding: 26px 0 0 84px;
color: #feeef3;
font-size: 30px;
line-height: 25px;
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/icon_header.gif) no-repeat 16px 26px;
}
h2.date-header {
margin: 0;
padding: 0 0 0 29px;
font-size: 10px;
text-transform: uppercase;
color: #c88fa2;
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/icon_date.gif) no-repeat 13px 0;
}
.date-header span {
margin: 0 0 0 5px;
padding: 0 25px 0 25px;
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/bg_date.gif) no-repeat 0 0;
}
h2.sidebar-title {
padding: 1px 0 0 36px;
font-size: 14px;
color: #bd8095;
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/icon_sidebar_heading.gif) no-repeat 0 45%;
}
#profile-container h2.sidebar-title {
color: #95526a;
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/icon_sidebar_profileheading.gif) no-repeat 0 45%;
}
.post h3.post-title {
margin: 13px 0 0 0;
padding: 0;
font-size: 18px;
color: #ba476b;
}
#comments h4 {
margin-top: 0;
font-size: 16px;
}
/* text
----------------------------------------------- */
#blog-header p {
margin: 0;
padding: 7px 16px 0 84px;
color: #feeef3;
font-size: 10px;
font-weight: bold;
line-height: 14px;
}
.post-body div {
font-size: 13px;
line-height: 18px;
margin: 10px, 0px;
}
.post-body blockquote {
margin: 10px 0px;
}
p.post-footer {
font-size: 11px;
color: #bd8095;
text-align: right;
}
p.post-footer em {
display: block;
float: left;
text-align: left;
font-style: normal;
}
p.comment-data {
font-size: 12px;
}
.comment-body p {
font-size: 12px;
line-height: 17px;
}
.deleted-comment {
font-style:italic;
color:gray;
}
#sidebar p {
font-size: 12px;
line-height: 17px;
margin-bottom: 20px;
}
#sidebar p.profile-textblock {
clear: both;
margin-bottom: 10px;
}
.profile-link {
padding: 0 0 0 17px;
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/icon_profile.gif) no-repeat 0 0;
}
p#powered-by {
margin: 0;
padding: 0;
}
#blog-footer p {
margin: 0;
padding: 0 0 15px 55px;
color: #feeef3;
font-size: 10px;
line-height: 14px;
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/icon_footer.gif) no-repeat 16px 0;
}
/* lists
----------------------------------------------- */
.profile-data {
font-size: 13px;
line-height: 17px;
}
.post ul {
padding-left: 32px;
list-style-type: none;
font-size: 13px;
line-height: 18px;
}
.post li {
padding: 0 0 4px 17px;
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/icon_list_item.gif) no-repeat 0 3px;
}
#comments ul {
margin: 0;
padding: 0;
list-style-type: none;
}
#comments li {
padding: 0 0 1px 17px;
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/icon_comment.gif) no-repeat 0 3px;
}
#sidebar ul {
margin: 0 0 20px 0;
padding: 0;
list-style-type: none;
font-size: 12px;
line-height: 14px;
}
#sidebar li {
padding: 0 0 4px 17px;
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/icon_list_item.gif) no-repeat 0 3px;
}
/* links
----------------------------------------------- */
a {
color: #bf277e;
font-weight: bold;
}
a:hover {
color: #96095a;
}
a.comment-link {
/* ie5.0/win doesn't apply padding to inline elements,
so we hide these two declarations from it */
background/* */:/**/url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/icon_comment.gif) no-repeat 0 45%;
padding-left: 14px;
}
html>body a.comment-link {
/* respecified, for ie5/mac's benefit */
background: url(http://www.blogblog.com/thisaway_rose/icon_comment.gif) no-repeat 0 45%;
padding-left: 14px;
}
#sidebar ul a {
color: #e25984;
}
#sidebar ul a:hover {
color: #b02c56;
}
#powered-by a img {
border: none;
}
#blog-header h1 a {
color: #feeef3;
text-decoration: none;
}
#blog-header h1 a:hover {
color: #d9b4c1;
}
h3.post-title a {
color: #ba476b;
text-decoration: none;
}
h3.post-title a:hover {
color: #902245;
}
/* miscellaneous
----------------------------------------------- */
.post-photo {
padding: 3px;
border: 1px solid #ebbdcc;
}
.profile-img {
display: inline;
}
.profile-img img {
float: left;
margin: 0 10px 5px 0;
padding: 3px;
border: 1px solid #ebbdcc;
}
.profile-data strong {
display: block;
}
.clear {
clear: both;
line-height: 0;
height: 0;
}
@import url(http://www.blogger.com/css/navbar/classic.css);div.b-mobile {display:none;}
function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener("load", function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } }
In Jeans or a Dress: Misadventures in Online Dating
Follow the ups and downs of one woman's plunge into the world of online dating. Using journal entries, e-mail excerpts, and dater profiles, In Jeans or a Dress cuts through the spin to show the realities of online dating, positive and negative. My six months of online dating experiences are set against the backdrop of my struggle to find a place for myself between the growing minority that says it's okay to be single and the still-overwhelming majority that says it is not.
Jan. 2, 2004: An embarrassment of Riches
I'm sitting here shivering and drenched in sweat. My nylon running pants stick to my legs, and my cotton t-shirt clings to my back. Unfortunately, though, I haven't worked out since yesterday afternoon. This condensation is the result of merely walking around the neighborhood running errands. True, it's 50 degrees outside, but I fear it's more symptomatic of becoming sick. Now that I'm back home, I don't feel so feverish (more chilled, actually, and achy, which probably aren't much better), but I can tell a bad cold is settling in, and the timing is bad—tonight is my second date with Joe. He called me yesterday around 4:30pm. He hadn't replied to the email I sent him on New Year's Eve, so I of course was resigning myself to being blown off again. But, no—he's picking me up tonight, and we're going to an Italian restaurant in Lakeview, Lucca's. I looked it up online, and the reader reviews are glowing, using words like intimate, charming, and even romantic. I tried to check out the Zagat's rating because Joe said he used the Zagat's guide to find it, but you need a subscription to access the review. I wanted to see if Zagat's called it romantic—it'd be nice if Joe looked for that quality when selecting a place. We didn't make plans for after dinner. Possibly drinks back at my place? I don't want to cancel, so I've popped some Day-Quil and will take some more as dinner approaches—with a couple drinks, I could be an especially fun, or noodle-like, date. I wouldn't want to cancel and seem like I was canceling as passive-aggressive revenge for his earlier cancellation, or, more accurately, postponement, plus I really want to see him. I'm dying to find out if I get that same feeling I had the first time we met. And it's been too long—more than three weeks. On the other hand, I'm seeing the impending illness as a wonderful excuse to cancel with Alan for tomorrow night. I sent him an email on New Year's Eve, too—just some fluff about his alma mater's bowl game—and he hasn't responded. Maybe he's realizing he deserves a little more excitement on his date's part. If I do cancel, I hope I have the guts to do it by phone, not email. Rich in EH sent his must-haves and can't-stands. His must-haves include "a partner who is committed to marriage, home, and family.” As I've said before, I read that as wanting kids. I like his short-answer questions, though; he didn't use any off the provided list. Instead, he asked about my New Year's and if I made any resolutions; which CDs are in my player right now; and which vacation has been the most meaningful. The first two are easy enough—didn't do much on NY Eve and watched "Sex and the City" and "Sopranos" DVDs on the Day. My CD player still has Christmas CDs, but I listed the other CDs piled around it—Petty, Phantom, Lovett, Sinatra, Cat Stevens. I'm so eclectic. I think he’s under the impression I'm more into music than I really am, but whatever—no need to bother clearing that up at this point. The travel question is more difficult. I wrote of my trip to the Pacific Northwest, and also said I'd like to return to Kauai with a date. Europe demands a return trip in the next few years—I haven't been there since law school in Italy in '92. I looked back at the basic profile on Rich and realize that music is important to him, so maybe I do need to clear up that misunderstanding. He's playing a guitar (apparently to his dog) in one photo and writes that he loves playing the guitar and writing and singing his own lyrics. Uh, oh—another serenader? Looking back at my own profile, though, I see no mention of music, so I don't know where he got the impression I'm a big music fan. In my short-answer questions for Rich, I asked just that, admitted music isn't a big part of my life, and wondered if that'd be a problem. I also asked if the kid thing would be a deal-breaker and, taking a more gentle tack, asked about his favorite memories from 2003.***Rich responded within an hour or two, and I have to say his answers are well done. As far as the music issue, he pointed to my karaoke photo (I forgot it was posted on EH) but went on to say he doesn't think couples need to share every interest. He added: "You must be cool if you have a Sinatra CD." If he only knew I purchased it in tandem with an Alanis Morrissette CD. On the kid issue, he said he realized when he turned 40 that he might not have kids and "that is OK." He elaborated, echoing some of my thoughts on the topic:"Even if I met the right person today it would likely be years before we decided to have children and I can think of many reasons not to have children at the age of 43 or 44. I would love to travel more, retire early, and have more time with my partner so it is not a deal-breaker for me. In fact it may be a small relief that having children would not be required … "Gotta admire his honesty, and that he's thought it out, in terms of age and consequences. And early retirement always sounds good. Finally, he lists several favorite memories for 2003, including a party with friends, adopting his dog, and traveling to San Francisco. "I wish I had asked you that question," he wrote. I agree it's a decent question, one that I'll have to remember for the future, if I continue on EH. My subscription ends Jan. 12, and it's pretty pricey, considering how little success it's brought me. Anyway, Rich and I have moved to stage 4—open communication. I would initiate it, but I'm going to wait a bit. I don't feel inspired right now. I'm already debating sending Alan a cancellation email today. If it goes well with Joe tonight, I won't want to endure another date with a guy who hasn't interested me at all in two meetings. If it goes poorly with Joe, I'll probably be bummed out and just want to mope. Maybe I'll be fired up to have a good time with another guy in a misguided attempt to spite him, but I doubt it.
posted by Bemused @ 6:23 PM
6 comments
 
Dec. 31, 2003: New Year reprieve
EH sent me two new matches yesterday. Michael, 39 and from Streamwood, shut me down before I got a chance to look at his stats. The other, Rich from Arlington Heights, requested communication. He's 40 but looks older in his photos, with gray hair and goatee. He's a computer geek, but his passion apparently is writing and playing music. He also reads a lot, plays racquetball, and kayaks. One of the things he can't live without is ice cream, and he claims he's living proof that nice guys don't finish last. I like that—he seems positive and happy. Can't hurt to answer his questions, I guess.Alan has replied to my latest email. He mentioned that the Cowboys play their first playoff game Saturday night, so we might need to watch that instead of a movie. Fine with me, though not exactly romantic. At least, we'll have something to talk about. I played his message in reply to my "sex email" for some of my friends last night. Several times, actually. I think it's fair to say they enjoyed it. Maggie was close to tears.Ken41midway from Match wrote again, too. He thinks we could hit it off. I think not. And Yahoo had another repeat Icebreaker—leinonmysoul, the 29-year-old East Indian. He mentions in his profile that he doesn't like "mean people." How unusual.No word from Joe since Saturday. Maybe I can drop a quick "happy new year" email and see if he responds with details on Friday night? He sent me a "happy holidays" message on Christmas Eve, so this wouldn't be too out-of-the-blue. Plus, if he's backing out, I'd rather know sooner than later.Haven't heard from Tim, the Cub fan who was coming back to town Sunday, or Chris from EH. So it goes. I wouldn't have time for them this week, anyway.Predictably, MM is trying to woo me back, offering another month for $4.95. I could get another three months for $19.95; it was $29.85 for my first three months. I may re-up. God knows my friends (and even one of their boyfriends) got some yucks from BMALE's email, and who am I to deprive them of the possibility of more laughs? I don't know about three whole months, but I guess I may as well go for it if it's only $20. A small investment for a lifetime of happiness. Ri-ight.***Rich responded—he wants two kids. I sent him my must-haves and can't stands, including I must have someone who share my desire not to have children.So, it's New Year's Eve. I was invited to two parties and had reluctantly planned to go to the closer event, where I'd know more people. I suspect it'll be couple-heavy, though, and I've never been much for all the New Year's Eve hoopla (perhaps because I never have anyone to kiss at the stroke of midnight?), so I'm blowing it off. Instead, I'm heading up to Winnetka, where my friend and her husband and baby from New Jersey are housesitting. We'll order in, drink some high balls, and maybe play some board games. Nice and low key, with minimal ruminating about the year that has passed and what the new year will hold.
posted by Bemused @ 9:50 AM
0 comments
Dec. 29, 2003: An indecent proposal
Well, Alan and I are on for Saturday night. In his confirmation email, he remarked on the day's football games and said that he'd pick up a movie and come over. No mention of sex or "clicking," thankfully.Today is my last day as a MM subscriber, and I have three emails, including another from NEVERTELL, the unhappily married guy looking for a long-term affair. He uses the same subject line—"u"—he must think it endearing.One of the others is from an NRA member in Detroit, one of those guys who describes himself as having "very good looks" but neglects to put his money where his mouth is by posting a photo. Where the profile asks "what brought you here," he chose the response "Scouting around for people to do things with." In Chicago? At least in his email, he writes he wished he lived closer. Whatever.FUNGUY862 writes that my profile and photos caught his eye. I think his email is boilerplate because that's the extent to which he references my profile. He writes that he likes running and biking, so I'll earn extra points if I like either activity. If he read my profile, he'd know I run—I mention it at least once, possibly twice. Plus, he's 5'9"-5'10".Good Lord! Another MM email just came in, this one totally enticing. I mean, filthy. It's captioned with "Can you imagine?" How fitting that it arrives on my last day on MM:"I would love to meet you at the Fairmont hotel downtown. I would insist that you cum [such clever wordplay] with no panties on and a long coat with nothing on underneath. You would meet me at the sports bar right next to the lobby. Without any conversation you would simply walk up to me and say 'are you ready'? At this point we would proceed up to the top floor and walk around to the stairway and walk up two addition flights. There we would see a dark room, which is the broiler room. During this adventure I haven’t said one word to you. You are simply following me knowing at some point we will be sexually intertwined. I turn to you and unbutton your long coat only to see those nice ass tits beaming in my face. I caution myself to take my time because looking at this body…………..poetry has just been put in motion so I must handle your body like a precious jewel. I start by pulling you towards me and touching your lips with my fingers while you close your eyes and slowing suck as if you are auditioning for the anticipated moment of sucking my cock. My lips touch yours and we are both highly impressed with the tongue technique and the soft lips. My hands go through your hair and I start kissing your neck slowing turning you around. Your head goes back and you reach back and grab my long hard cock and start to stroke it. At this point I ask you 'would you like to go to a room'? You reply with 'yes'!Once in the room, I have already set up candles. The room is dark and I tell you to lie on the bed face down. I start perusing your body with me tongue and nibbling on back of your neck again for a few minutes before moving down your spine until I reach the crack of your ass. I then tell you to slightly lift your ass to the sky maintaining your chest on the bed………………….your knees slightly move upward and your ass is pointing to the sky. I then whisper to you 'spread your legs and place both hands on your ass checks and open your ass'. When you accommodate my wishes, you are telling me 'please be gentle, and make me feel extremely good'! I typically have strawberry ice cream, ice or whip cream ready to go into battle. I start by moving my tongue from the top of your ass crack down to the point of entrance of your ass. Making your ass extremely wet while simultaneously placing a small hidden vibrator on your clit. So while you are getting your ass licked with ice cream or whip cream, you are also about to reach orgasm. I start to rotate from licking your ass to licking your clit. At this point we are in the 69 position.Would you like me to continue?I can send a picture upon request!"Where to start? At least he has good taste in hotels, but strawberry ice cream? C'mon (or should I say "Cum on"?)—go with chocolate or maybe fudge ripple. I'm also intrigued by the broiler room—can I get a steak as part of this fantasy? Am I the only one thinking this guy works on the Fairmont maintenance staff? According to his profile, BMALE296 is Democrat who works out and reads. He's also usually early—I bet you are, BMALE. On a first date, he'd expect a handshake; he doesn't specify what body part the hand would shake. Oh, and he has a Matchmarker. So perfect, and yet …Over in Yahoo, nine Icebreakers beg for my attention—ugh. Younghardcutie is neither young nor cute. Intelligent_kind_athletic is 5'8" and doesn't drink. He hopes to visit "Stone Hedge" someday. Boddhisatvabanker is 44-year-old, 5'10" attorney with a shaved head. Comehavefunoutside is 43, lives far away, looks dorky. He's seeking for a partner for outside activities like fishing, hunting, skiing, and the zoo. I'm not much for activities that involve being cold.Misterjones80 is 30 and posted a bare-bones profile. Bumpedintome is a 44-year-old suburbanite with white hair who specifies "NO PLUS SIZES." I find that so rude. How 'bout just deleting emails from women who don't interest you? Elainepanterwhateverhighandtight (that's mouthful) is 5'10", black, and gives up little in his profile. Rusty204gamer is 54 and lives with his parents. Need I go on? I don't think so, but I can't resist adding that his profile says "Laughter is important to me, as well as wargaming …"The latest Icebreaker comes from jrow96, whose profile has actually caught my eye in the past. He "smokes often," though, lives in Schaumburg, and uses "LOL" repeatedly in his profile. And, let's not forget that he didn't even email me, but only sent a lame-ass Icebreaker. Not that it needs repeating, but I view those guys with disfavor right off the bat. Feeling as I do about Icebreakers, I don't know why I even check them in Yahoo. I don't monitor the ones in Match very often.Speaking of Match, my profile has now notched almost 3,500 visits. Brutal—thousands have seen and thousands have turned away.
posted by Bemused @ 9:53 AM
0 comments
Dec. 28, 2003: Creating confusion
Alan replied to my "I'm a psycho" email yesterday:"Barb,I must admit, although I am not freaked out, I am completely confused. So in order to keep this EM short, I will summarize:1- Bottom Line-I would like to get together with you once more in some shape or fashion to see if we can make it 'click'.2- I agree that the first few dates almost always suck, and the last time was uncomfortable too.3- I too would like to get together in a relaxing manner such as you suggested in your last EM. I am available every night this week except Monday, and Friday.Now, as I mentioned I am a bit confused, so I suggest it is your move. So you can either call/EM me with date time and directions to your place. If for some reason you rethink this again and decide you do not want to contact me again (which I hope you do), good luck and I hope you have a good year as well.Alan"How in the world is he still so interested? Surely, he can't be that hard up. Well, scheduling-wise, this week is bad for our fateful third attempt at a "click." I'm booked every night except New Year's Day, and I might not feel top-notch that day. I do think I kind of owe him another try, though, after this bizarre exchange, even though I'm still doubtful about his intelligence—what's so confusing, Alan? The part about reading a book? OK—that's just bitchy of me. Anyway, I'll email him and suggest Saturday night, which would make next weekend a double-date package, assuming no one backs out on me. I'm tense just thinking about it.
posted by Bemused @ 7:13 AM
0 comments
Dec. 27, 2003: Regrets, I've had a few
What to do about Alan? Yesterday, I thought about emailing him and claiming I didn't make myself clear in the last email, that I never intended to imply I wanted sex. Now I think it's too late to put that snake back in the can. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe I'll be honest:"Hi, Alan--Sorry I didn't return your call yesterday. I have to tell you, I'm pretty mortified and have been since I hit the Send button on that email. Listening to you recap it on my voicemail made me realize how absurd it was.As you can probably tell, I'm not usually that forward, at least not this early on. I blame my moment of brazenness on a book I'm reading, the memoirs of a 66-year-old woman who placed an ad saying she wanted to have lots of sex with a man she liked before her 67th birthday. I guess her brutal honesty inspired a moment of temporary insanity in me. While I love the idea of a tryst with someone I barely know, I don't know that I'd actually be able to follow through.I could, however, follow through on having that person over to my place to get to know each other in a more relaxed setting--say, with takeout and drinks. I think it's hard to get know someone on those early dinner and lunch dates--they just seem too artificial, you know? So maybe you'd be up for that some time.Well, I'm going to work out and then I'm off for a day with my sister--lunch and a movie in Evanston. Hope I haven't freaked you out too much!" That's not too bad. I'll give it some more thought while I run, but I'll probably send it.***Joe called while I was running. I must be interested in him because I actually stopped mid-run to answer the phone. We talked for 15 minutes or so, until my sister called on the other line. Good conversation, plenty of laughs, and I realized again that I was smiling the whole time. We spent some time discussing our Christmases with our respective families. I probably shouldn't have mentioned how I need to "find a husband" by next Christmas, if only to even out the grab bag situation. Despite that, Joe asked me out for Friday night, my first date of 2004. He claims his cold is lingering, though, so I don't want to get ahead of myself. You never know until the guy shows up, I've learned. In the meantime, I'll send Alan my email. I'm not sure why I'm even bothering—I still don't have any real interest in him, beyond the fact that he's a living, breathing man who for some inexplicable reason is (or was) interested in me. Well, again, I'm not committing to anything.
posted by Bemused @ 9:15 AM
0 comments
Dec. 26, 2003: A bold step
Well, I made it through the big day with my psyche intact. As predicted, spending the day in a crowd threw up a dam against my rushes of self-pity. Not that some moments and comments didn't arise that struck close to my hyper-sensitive, orange-level alert singleton sensibilities, such as when my sister explained that, because we'd eat at two tables, couples had to split up: "You can't eat with the same dinner partner you eat with every night." My television wasn't in attendance, but I'm sure the people at the other table would have found it the delightful dining companion I find it to be night after night. After we sat down, my brother announced that he and his wife are expecting their fourth child next summer—how very Catholic. He's 44 and she's 40; he'll be 63 when the baby goes to college. So, Chuck is one of the guys I've railed against a few times—children at any age because, by gosh, he can! Not really, of course—they claimed the pregnancy was unplanned and I have no doubt that's the case, just from things Bridget has said in the past. Still, I bet he was happier about the turn of events than she. It does throw off the new approach to niece and nephew gift giving we adopted this year. At my Scrooge-like suggestion, instead of all five of us (me, my brother and sister, and their spouses) each buying gifts for all of the nieces and nephews, who range in age from two to 19, we each drew a name and only bought a gift for that child. Five adults, five kids. With six kids expected next year, I really need to find a husband and fast, if only so things are even for gifting purposes next year. Back home last night, lying in bed, my thoughts turned to Alan. I started entertaining the notion that maybe I could just sleep with him. I even began to mentally compose an email to him, along those lines. I pushed the absurd thoughts out of my head, though, realizing that he probably wouldn't even call again after our dull lunch. If he did, I didn't know if I could propose the sex idea over the phone. Foolish to even think about this, I told myself. This morning, however, I found an email from Alan, sent yesterday. He said he had a good time at lunch, but it was too short—he'll call me this weekend to see if I want to get together again. His email is sitting in my mailbox as I type, teasing me with how easy it'd be to reply with a message like the following:"Hi, Alan—Hope you had great holiday. As far as getting together again, I have to tell you that it doesn't seem to me like we're really clicking. To be perfectly honest, though, it occurs to me that I haven't slept with anyone since I broke my rib in July, and I'd really like to again before 2004. You seem like a nice guy and a happy person, so if you're up for seeing if we connect on this level, let me know and maybe we can get together this weekend. Have some drinks at my place and see what happens …"Do I have the guts to send this? Why not? If he's turned off by my directness, I won't have to hear from him again, and it won't be a big loss (except, perhaps, to my self-esteem). If he's up for it (so to speak), well, could be interesting, to say the least. After enduring three months of this crap, don't I deserve a little fun? On a different note, I think I'm going to close my Matchmaker account. I haven't met anyone through the service, and I constantly hear from undesirables, like NEVERTELL447, the 47-year-old married guy who wrote me yesterday (Christmas!). "Not-so-happily married" to a woman who's been ill for 10 years, he's looking to develop a long-term "wonderful affair." Thanks, but no. I'll make do with Yahoo, Match, and EH for now. And someone new from Match wrote me this morning, KEN41MIDWAY. He writes only "r u 4 real" and includes his phone number and email address. He blames his lack of photo on not owning a scanner. He's a librarian who lives near Midway. His profile doesn't do anything for me, and I really do want to take a few days off, so I guess he's out of luck. So what to do about Alan? When I let myself consider it last night, the sex idea seemed like a darn good one, but now I'm losing my nerve. I'm so much braver at night, alone in my bed. I think I'll work out for a while and then decide. If I don't send Alan my proposition this afternoon, I probably won't.***While riding my exercise bike, I read several chapters of a book called "A Round-Heeled Woman," by Jane Juska. At the age of 66, Juska placed an ad in The New York Review of Books, saying she'd like to have a lot of sex with a man she likes before she turns 67. The book speaks to me, especially as I consider propositioning Alan. Sadly, she's much more daring than I; yet, as she engages in these trysts, with disturbingly aged men, she doesn't describe much in the way of non-carnal satisfaction and she ends up hurt with some regularity. I'm more than halfway through the book, and, even when she scores the sex she seeks, she doesn't seem particularly happy. Beyond the actual encounters, I don't sense a lot of enjoyment or fulfillment from her exploits.Of course, she writes upfront that she's more interested in sex than conversation or, presumably, regular companionship. "If you want to talk first, Trollope works for me," she concludes her ad. I don't think I could be that mercenary--I'm looking for more than just the physical pleasures of sex, unfortunately. I do envy Juska. As the book jacket puts it, "since her ad made it clear that she wasn't expecting just hand-holding, her dates zipped from first base to home plate in record time." That'd be nice. How sad that this AARP member is more able than I, a woman supposedly in her sexual prime, to move things along.As fun as it is to fantasize about having a purely sexual interlude with Alan, who am I kidding? Considering my mental block on having sex with someone I find attractive but have just met (a block I mightily curse—I wouldn't want to be as slutty as Samantha, but Miranda wouldn't be so bad), I doubt I could sleep with someone I've gotten to know somewhat but aren't attracted to in the least. In two meetings, I haven't found anything about him that attracts me—his looks, his personality, etc. Not that they're unattractive—they just don't do anything for me. Even his apparent interest in me isn't doing it. And yet I'm curious how Alan would reply. If only I was attracted to something about him. It can't hurt to at least send an email—it's not like I'm making a commitment and I have to start somewhere if I want to break down my mental blocks. I can change my mind at any time, and I don't even have to answer the door, should we get to the point that he comes over (essentially to service me). Right? To hell with it—I'm thinking too much. Cut and paste, and off the message goes. Now. It's done—I sent the message above, with the addendum that, if he's not up for it, that's cool, too, and wishing him luck in the new year. How am I going to concentrate on my post-holiday sales shopping this afternoon? Yikes.***Fresh out of the shower, I crept back into my office to see if Alan had replied. Nope. Had to check my Yahoo email account for something from a client and thought I might as well see if anything new had come in. At the same time, I was thinking about what I might write to Joe, if I were to follow up. While showering, still feeling emboldened from my email to Alan, I thought about writing him to suggest that wild weekend he mentions in his profile.To my surprise, I had a message from Joe in Yahoo. Not much—just happy holidays and he's finally getting over his cold. He sent it on Christmas Eve, so I can go ahead and respond without seeming overeager. If he's anything like me (Lord, I hope not!), he wouldn't call again unless I showed my continued interest by responding to the email. I shall. Upbeat and no references to thinking he'd blown me off or the delay since I've last heard from him. Oh, God—my phone just rang and, sure enough, it was Alan. I couldn't bring myself to answer, and I feel sick to my stomach as I sit here waiting for voicemail to kick in. Has he received my email? One way to find out. OK—listening to his recap of my email makes me realize how ridiculous my proposal is, especially when he chuckles a little at the beginning. "You didn't feel we connected at all on the second date"—actually, Alan, on either date. He said he agreed about the lunch, though, and that he's not a fan of lunch dates in general. "But you would be interested in sex. Uh, I got nothing to lose in that one. So feel free to give me a call back. L-later." What have I done? I'm drowning in second thoughts, especially having heard from Joe, who I was attracted to. I'm not exactly sure what I was looking for in Alan's response, but I don't think I got it. He again came off as kind of dull-witted. "Hey, it's a no-lose proposition for me, right?" On the other hand, he is willing, so I've got that going for me, at least. I'm calling Joe. Probably shouldn't, but don't want to wait. I'm emboldened, dammit. Got his machine, thank God. What I really need to do is dry my hair and drag my ass out the door.***As the night drags on without a call from Joe, I regret having called him. I rationalized my call by telling myself that, by doing so, I was taking action, instead of just sitting around, hoping he'd call. I ended up doing just that, though, and, by both replying to his email and calling, I probably came on too strong. I didn't mention getting together in the message, but I did in my email. Doh.*** Jumped online before I went to bed, still suffering from would-be dater's dissonance over calling and writing Joe so quickly. I logged on to compare cell phone plans (another exciting Friday night—do I know how to live or what?), but of course checked email and saw Joe had written. He said that he's at his mom's house in Michigan and doesn't have my number but hopes to talk when he gets back today. That would explain why he emailed me initially thru Yahoo, instead of using my own address. So that's encouraging. Now I just need to keep myself on an even keel. I'm going to lunch and a movie with my sister this afternoon, which should keep me occupied. Not that I won't check my messages …
posted by Bemused @ 10:44 AM
1 comments
Dec. 25, 2003: Christmas break
Just returned from Roberta's place, where I checked on her cat. She (Roberta, not the cat) is out in Vegas with her boyfriend, visiting his parents. Seeing all of Roberta's photos, etc. memorializing her relationship with Jim only made me feel worse, like what she has is unattainable for me.I need to get over this. Self-pity is so unattractive, especially at Christmas and in someone who's led such a fortunate life, with so many blessings. And who's not even really alone—I'll be surrounded by family this afternoon, with an abundance of food and gifts, and I could have found company for last night, if I'd been so inclined.I do, however, want to give myself the Christmas present of a week off from this mission. More than three months have passed since I began this, and it's taking a toll. It's hard to take a break, though, when I'm in the midst of things with a few guys. Tim, for instance, is allegedly calling early next week, when he returns from Florida. Chris from EH also has my number, although I've heard nothing from him since I asked if he has profile somewhere I could see. And Joe could even call (yeah, right). And, assuming Joe doesn't call, I want to email him and ask what gives, why the sudden change in course. I guess that could wait until the new year, while I go into neutral for a few days.Well, I'm going to try to take some type of break. Maggie will be in town in a couple days, and there's plenty going on over the next week to keep me busy, culminating in my plans for New Year's Even with some friends. Honestly, though, I'm already thinking about skipping out on those. New Year's Eve is so couple-oriented, and I've never been a fan of the forced revelry. Of course, in the past, I've always had a party on New Year's Day to divert my energies to, and I don't think I will this year. We'll see. I don't have to make any decisions on that now. Now, I just have to get over my bad self and enjoy Christmas Day. Or at least the food. Seriously, though, I'm lucky in that I've always been easily distracted from demoralizing thoughts by the company of others, so I should be able to push all this foolishness from my mind this afternoon.
posted by Bemused @ 7:55 AM
2 comments
Name: Bemused Location: Chicago, IL View my complete profile
Jan. 2, 2004: An embarrassment of Riches
Dec. 31, 2003: New Year reprieve
Dec. 29, 2003: An indecent proposal
Dec. 28, 2003: Creating confusion
Dec. 27, 2003: Regrets, I've had a few
Dec. 26, 2003: A bold step
Dec. 25, 2003: Christmas break
Dec. 24, 2003: A Christmas miracle?
Dec. 23, 2003: Affirmation, at last
Dec. 22, 2003: A raw evening
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
|
|
